Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE FIFTEEN
The Speak-Easy.
CAST
Superman; Lois Vain; Speakeasy Men 1-9; Dr Doomuch.
[Set up the Speak Easy. Music. Philosopher's Beer Drinking Song. Men drinking, playing cards, telling jokes etc.]
SPEAKEASY MAN 1
So I told my wife, you need more space, go on a diet!
SPEAKEASY MAN 2
Yeah? And what’d she do, Tony?
SPEAKEASY MAN 1
Threw me out and changed the locks. But I showed her! I burned the damned house down! If I can’t live there, why should she?
SPEAKEASY MAN 3
Yeah, you really showed her, Tony! Burn your house down! Smart move, man!
SPEAKEASY MAN 1
Hey, shove it up your pipe and blow it! You gotta show ‘em!
ALL
Yeah! Right on! [etc.]
SPEAKEASY MAN 4
[Looking offstage]. Hey! Keep the noise down! Two strangers! Make like catalogue men, you guys!
ALL
Hey, you got a mineral water? Does my butt look big in this? I gotta get home and fix some cous-cous [etc.]
SPEAK EASY MAN 5
Hey! It’s Superman!
SPEAK EASY MAN 6
Watch it, guys! He’s gone catalogue!
[Enter SUPERMAN and disguised LOIS].
SPEAKEASY MAN 7
Hi! Can I get you guys some Chardonnay and maybe a little Moussaka with roasted aubergines and ricotta?
LOIS
Nah. Fix us two beers with depth charges and a couple of Big Wangerburgers.
SPEAKEASY MAN 8
Hey, alright! Superman! You back with the men, huh?
SPEAKEASY MAN 9
Hey, skid those pants, bro!
SPEAKEASY MAN 3
Give us a super-belch!
[SUPERMAN faces the audience, hands on hips, and delivers a super-belch. The SPEAKEASY men cheer and provide a frog chorus of belches].
LOIS
Sheesh! That is enough! [She drops off her disguise].
SPEAK EASY MAN 1
Oh my god!
SPEAKEASY MAN 2
A babe!
SPEAKEASY MAN 3
We’re dead!
LOIS
Listen. I don’t mind guys being gross. Just save your grossest grosseries ‘til I’ve gone shoppin’, huh?
SPEAKEASY MAN 4
You got it, M’am.
SPEAKEASY MAN 5
Hey Barney! Hold with the wind, yeah?
SPEAKEASY MAN 6
Too late!
LOIS
[Pinching nose]. Sheesh! Is Doctor Doomuch here?
SPEAKEASY MAN 7
[Calling]. Doctor Doomuch!
SPEAKEASY MAN 8
[Calling]. Doctor Doomuch!
SPEAKEASY MAN 9
[Calling]. Doctor Doomuch!
[Enter DR DOOMUCH, the mad scientist].
LOIS
Are you Dr Doomuch?
DR DOOMUCH
Ya. [Flirtatiously]. Und mit whom am I having ze pleasure?
LOIS
You ain’t. My name is Lois Vain, reporter for the Daily Distortion. [Murmers from the Speak Easy men]. Ex-reporter for the Daily Distortion. And this is Superman.
DR DOOMUCH
Zo. Zis is Zuperman? Und are ve still talking like a nincompoop on ze TV chatshows, Herr Ubermensch?
SUPERMAN
I’m sorry. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was badly advised by my holographic mentor.
DR DOOMUCH
Ya. Lots of young men are having zis same problem. Now zat you are here, Zuperman, you can help me get things back to normal.
SUPERMAN
How, Doctor Doomuch? How can all this mindless womanly consumerism and welfare benefit be reversed?
DR DOOMUCH
An excellent question. To vich I have an excellent answer. Vot is ze opposite of consumption?
SUPERMAN
Err... being sick?
DR DOOMUCH
An excellent answer! Regurgitation! If ve can make people sick enough of all zis consumerism, zey may go back to normal. [Flirtatiously to LOIS].Or votever passes for normal in zis crazy vorld.
SUPERMAN
But how, Doctor Doomuch? How can we make people sick?
DR DOOMUCH
[Taking out small device like a pocket calculator]. Vith zis! Ze Regurgitator!
LOIS VAIN
How does it work, Doctor Doomuch?
DR DOOMUCH
It stimulates a little used part of ze body known as ze brain. Here. Zuperman. Take it. [Superman takes the Regurgitator]. Only you vill have ze strength to use ze Regurgitator on ze monster of consumerism vizout being suckered in by its lies. Go! Quickly! Before it is too late!
[SUPERMAN and LOIS exit].
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