Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE ELEVEN
The Crystal Palace.
CAST
Superman; Ka-Sayul; Voice-over.
[Icy light and mystic music. Enter SUPERMAN].
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Welcome, Kal-Ori, Son of Jor-Swell. Welcome to your Fortress of Solitude at the icy end of this world.
SUPERMAN
Ka-Sayul! My holographic mentor! Please! Show yourself to me!
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
My holoprojectors need cleaning. You may find me a little... diminished in stature.
SUPERMAN
Ka-Sayul! I need your advice! Show yourself, I beg of you!
[Enter KA-SAYUL who is of a diminutive stature].
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Greetings, Kal-Ori.
SUPERMAN
[A little surprised]. Ka-Sayul?
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
One must learn not to judge by appearances, Kal-Ori. Do not the females of this planet say that size is not important?
SUPERMAN
[To KA-SAYUL]. Yes, Ka-Sayul. [To himself]. Although they’re usually lying.
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
What ails you, Kal-Ori? Why have you returned to your Fortress of Solitude?
SUPERMAN
There have been so many disasters, Ka-Sayul. So many earthquakes and tidal waves and tornadoes. It’s as if the very planet itself were crying out in pain.
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Verily, this planet does cry out, Kal-Ori. These humans have risen high above their caves. But in doing so, they have lost sight of their roots. The book of life took three million years to write and it is written in the blood. Now they would rewrite their relationships by tearing out the pages. The balance of nature is disturbed, Kal-Ori. Did not one of their great writers, William Shakespeare, say:
Are you not moved, when all the sway of the earth
Shakes like a thing unfirm? O Superman,
I have seen tempests, when the scolding winds
Have rived the knotty oaks, and I have seen
The ambitious ocean swell and rage and foam,
To be exalted with the threatening clouds:
But never till to-night, never till now,
Did I go through a tempest dropping fire.
Either there is a civil strife in heaven,
Or else the world, too saucy with the gods,
Incenses them to send destruction.
SUPERMAN
But the media blames me for their destruction. The days of the superhero are drawing to a close. I am no longer needed. I no longer have the will to fly... What should I do, Ka-Sayul?
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Take heart, Kal-Ori. Did not Shakespeare also say “If you can’t beat them, join them”.
SUPERMAN
What do you mean, Ka-Sayul?
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Did not one of their great leaders say “There is no such thing as society”. If your neighbour’s house is burning, should they not have bought house insurance? Be Nero, not a Hero. Fiddle your expenses while Homes burn. Get yourself an agent. Go on the television chat shows. Give them what they want. Relationships and being cool are more important than saving the world. Be a male model, a catalogue superman. That is where your future lies.
SUPERMAN
Are you sure about this, Ka-Sayul?
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
I have spent years in this Fortress of Solitude, watching their thousands of television channels. With all this information at my disposal, should I not know the truth?
SUPERMAN
Very well, Ka-Sayul. I will return to Necropolis and do The Jerry Sinner Show. But I cannot fly. I have lost the will.
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
Then you must walk, Kal-Ori. For two months you must walk and think how you can get ahead in the human game.
SUPERMAN
Farewell, Ka-Sayul.
KA-SAYUL (V/O)
[Exiting]. Farewell, Kal-Ori. Do not forget me in your royalties.
SUPERMAN
[To himself]. Two months walk. And I told Lois I was just going to the bathroom. Oh well. Women expect men to lie. It’s only the truth that disturbs them.
[SUPERMAN exits].
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