Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE ONE
Luthor’s hideout: Luthor briefs his lackeys.
CAST
Lex Luthor; Lackeys 1-6; Leo DiCrapio; Captives 1-3; The Siren; Sirenettes 1-2; Lady Laddette; Goodtime Girls 1-3; Little Girl; Cry Babies 1-3.
[Play SUPERMAN theme music then fade. Lights up. LACKEYS are gathered. LUTHOR is standing on a rostrum, stroking his pussy cat].
LUTHOR
No doubt all you fools are familiar
with that ‘Man of Steel’ they call Superman
clad in cape and pants, so much sillier
than the real Ubermensch Hitler planned.
You are cowardly, weak, so you appeal
for comic-book heroes to save the day.
The stench of a rat makes blonde women squeal.
Yes it takes strong men to take it away.
Ridiculous? Yes. But so’s any world
that places its faith in ‘Super Powers’.
This Garden of Evil in serpent sleep curled
grows for my larder, sweet poison flowers.
How will it begin? Once upon a time.
How will it end? With the greatest of crimes...
LACKEY 1
But Master! Have you seen the newspapers?
LACKEY 2
Yes Master! [Holding up a copy of the Evening Echo]. Here. In the Evening Echo!
LACKEY 3
Look! Street crime is up!
LACKEY 4
By thirty percent!
LACKEY 5
Burglaries too!
LACKEY 6
By sixty percent!
ALL LACKEYS
There’s a new sound in town!
And the Echo doesn’t lie!
The streets are falling down!
And the crime is sky high!
LEX LUTHOR
Song to these pages! Milk and molasses!
So why long faces, my larcenous lackeys?
LACKEY 1
We were once big fish in the city pond!
LACKEY 2
And the sharks and the swimmers knew their place!
LACKEY 3
Now the days of Capone and the Krays are gone!
LACKEY 4
And as crime gets common we’re losing face!
LUTHOR
[LUTHOR comes down from the rostrum. He places his pussy cat on one of the newspapers proffered by a LACKEY. LUTHOR snaps his fingers and is given a newspaper by another LACKEY. LUTHOR glances at the headlines]. ‘Statistics show a year on year rise in the rate of violent crime’. Hah! Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is interesting. But what they conceal is vital. We live in a consumer society now, my nostalgic ne'er-do-wells. The streets are our shopping malls! People’s homes our Habitats! And once the criminal becomes a consumer, then the consumer becomes a criminal! All part of my Master Plan!
LACKEY 5
A Master Plan! A Master Plan!
LACKEY 6
Tell us of your Master Plan, Master!
ALL
Tell us! Tell us!
LUTHOR
Allow me to demonstrate, my feeble-minded felons. [He throws down the newspaper and takes out a handkerchief].
LACKEY 1
[Confused]. You will take over the world with a handkerchief, Master?
LUTHOR
[With a withering look]. If it rained brains, you wouldn’t even get wet. This [holding up handkerchief] handkerchief - this symbol - represents the very fabric of society. And this is what I intend to do to it. [He slowly tears the handkerchief in two].
LACKEY 2
[Knowingly]. Ahhh.
LUTHOR
Don’t say ‘Ahh’. I’m a criminal mastermind, not a dentist. Now, ‘How?’ I hear you ask. ‘How will he do it?’
ALL
How? How will you do it, Master?
LUTHOR
An excellent question. To which I have an excellent answer. [He walks over to a covered whiteboard and unveils it. The following information is written on the whiteboard...]
STEP 1: TAKE OVER THE MEDIA
THE DAILY PLANET + THE EVENING ECHO = THE DAILY DISTORTION
STEP 2: CREATE UBERBABES
THE SIREN + HER SIRENETTES
LADY LADDETTE + HER GOODTIME GIRLS
LITTLE GIRL + HER CRY BABIES
[LUTHOR picks up a pointer and points to STEP 1].
Now pay attention. The first step is to take over the media. Which are the two most important newspapers in Necropolis, our fair city of dead minds?
LACKEY 3
The Daily Planet, Master!
LACKEY 4
And the Evening Echo!
LUTHOR
Excellent! Yesterday, I purchased both The Daily Planet and the Evening Echo. From today, these two great newspapers will be merged into one: The Daily Distortion. From here, I can acquire all the influential women’s magazines such as... [Snaps fingers].
LACKEY 4
Necropolitan.
LUTHOR
[Snapping fingers again] ... and...
LACKEY 5
.. Womens’ Moan.
LUTHOR
Excellent. Soon, all of the world’s media will be under my control. And he who controls the media, controls the world!
LACKEY 5
But what are Uberbabes, Master?
LUTHOR
[Using pointer to point at STEP 2]. Well read, my perspicacious pupil. ‘Uber’ is the German word for ‘Super’ as in ‘Ubermensch’ for Superman. I have gone one better and created Uberbabes: Superwomen! What better way to manipulate, intimidate and confuse men than through using women’s superpowers? But we need a test! A demonstration! Bring on the captive men!
[LUTHOR clicks his fingers. Some of the LACKEYS rush offstage and bring back some captive men].
LEO DICRAPIO
Who are you? Why are we here?
LUTHOR
My name is Lex Luthor. Monarch of Murder. Lord of Larceny. Emperor of Embezzlement and Archfiend of Alliteration. And what is your nom-de-guerre, your nomen-clatura, your moniker?
LEO DICRAPIO
My name ain’t Monica. It’s Leo DiCrapio, Restaurant Manager at BurgerLord, not to be confused with my more famous distant cousin. And these are my HappyHat crew.
CAPTIVE 1
Hi! My name is Howard!
CAPTIVE 2
How may I help you?
CAPTIVE 3
Is that a large!
CAPTIVES 1-3
Have a nice day!
LEO DICRAPIO
I was told you people wanted a HappyHat Burger Party.
LUTHOR
Well yes, I think we will have a little party of sorts. First, The Siren and her Sirenettes. Observe how they hypnotize men through sexual allure!
[Play SIRENETTE music: A GREAT EFFECT from THE GRADUATE. The SIREN and her SIRENETTES enter and hypnotize the men].
LUTHOR
See how they dribble helplessly!
LEO DICRAPIO
[Struggling]. No... I am a BurgerLord Restaurant Manager.... I have a mind of my own.... I am a free man!
[The others struggle to cling on to their personalities].
CAPTIVE 1
[Struggling]. Do you want... fries with that?
CAPTIVE 2
[Struggling]. We only have... BurgerLord Cola.
CAPTIVE 3
Do you want to... upsize... to a... Big WangerBurger?
LUTHOR
Still they struggle. A little intimidation is called for now, I think. Lady Laddette and her Goodtime Girls! Observe as they intimidate men through their raucous behaviour and putdown lines!
[LUTHOR clicks his fingers. LADY LADDETTE and her GOODTIME GIRLS enter raucously and intimidate the men].
LADY LADDETTE
Gerremoff!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Put ‘em back on!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Party all night long!
LADY LADDETTE
Push-up bras!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Vodka in cups!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Mmm. Nice arse!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Can he keep it up?
LADY LADDETTE
Call yourself lads?
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Think yerself able?
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Drink yer under the table!
LEO DICRAPIO
Please... please stop... we’ll do anything you want... just please stop... intimidating us!
LUTHOR
But you’re men. You’re supposed to be confident and competent. Let’s see how you deal with Little Girl and Her Cry Babies.
[Enter LITTLE GIRL and her CRY BABIES who manipulate the men].
LITTLE GIRL
Oh I’m just a little girl.
CRY BABY 1
Won’t you please protect me?
CRY BABY 2
From the big nasty world?
CRY BABY 3
With lots of nice money?
LITTLE GIRL
If you’re man enough?
CRY BABY 1
If you think I’m cute?
CRY BABY 2
You’ll marry me for love.
CRY BABY 3
I’ll divorce you for a brute.
LITTLE GIRL
When I cry, I’m believed.
CRY BABY 1
If you cry, you’re just weak.
CRY BABY 2
Yes. I’ll bring you grief.
CRY BABY 3
Won’t you please protect me?
LEO DICRAPIO
We don’t earn much, but what we have is yours.
CRY BABY 1
[To CAPTIVE 2]. Half of it?
LITTLE GIRL
[To DICRAPIO while toying with CAPTIVE 1]. All of it?
LEO DICRAPIO
Wait a moment! You’re flirting with someone else!
LITTLE GIRL
[Crying]. Oh you’re so jealous and so possessive! I’m just a little girl and you’re so aggressive!
LEO DICRAPIO
[Chastened]. You’re right. I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you?
LUTHOR
Excellent! Manipulated, intimidated and confused! Now, let’s see what happens when they have to deal with all three Uberbabes at the same time!
[All the Uberbabes start on the men at the same time. The men are reduced to gibbering confused wrecks].
LUTHOR
See how the old breed of man is dying out! Soon, he will be replaced with a new breed of sheep! Trendy, docile, convenient, relationship-orientated and eager to please! Allow me to introduce you to men’s future: Catalogue Man!
[Enter CATALOGUE MAN as an inoffensive, ineffectual male model].
LUTHOR
With men like this, trained not to think, too scared to argue, what will be left to stop me, my murderous minions?! And now, my Uberbabes, go forth! Take over the Daily Distortion and, from there, take over the world!
ALL UBER-BABES
Hail Luthor!
[The Uberbabes set forth to take over The Daily Distortion].
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