Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE THREE
The offices of The Daily Distortion.
CAST
Editor; Woman Reporters 1-6; Men Reporters 1-2; The Siren; Sirenettes 1-2; Lady Laddette; Goodtime Girls 1-3; Little Girl; Cry Babies 1-3.
[The news team are assembled to meet their new bosses. The old NEWS EDITOR is packing his belongings. CLARK and LOIS enter. The NEWS EDITOR starts to make his leaving speech].
EDITOR
Well, everyone. I guess this is goodbye.
WOMAN REPORTER 1
Goodbye, then!
[The other women reporters laugh].
EDITOR
I started working for The Daily Planet as a newsboy, forty years ago, and I thought I’d seen it all: Civil rights, Kennedy; Vietnam; the moonlandings...
WOMAN REPORTER 2
Bor-ring!
[The other women reporters laugh].
EDITOR
... But I guess I’m old and out of touch now. Now that we’ve merged with the Evening Echo to become the, err... Daily Distortion... our new owners have told me they want to bring in a new management team. Younger err... more err.. with it...
[There are derisive sniggers from the women reporters].
EDITOR
... More err... relevant to women...
WOMAN REPORTER 3
Fashion page!
WOMAN REPORTER 4
Problem page!
WOMAN REPORTER 5
How to get a man!
WOMAN REPORTER 6
How to get rid of him!
WOMAN REPORTER 1
Cosmetics!
WOMAN REPORTER 2
Kind to animals!
WOMAN REPORTER 3
Cruel to men!
WOMAN REPORTER 4
Food!
WOMAN REPORTER 5
Diets!
WOMEN REPORTER 6
Relationships!
WOMAN REPORTERS 1-3
Relationships!
WOMAN REPORTERS 4-6
Relationships!
ALL WOMEN
Relationships not politics! Relationships not politics!
[The men reporters shift uncomfortably].
EDITOR
Well, obviously, I’m a bit out of touch with what you want. So, I suppose now is the time to meet your new err... owners...
[Music. Enter the SIREN and her SIRENETTES who hypnotise the male reporters].
[Enter LADY LADDETTE and her GOODTIME GIRLS].
LADY LADDETTE
Gerremoff!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Put ‘em back on!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Party all night long!
LADY LADDETTE
Push-up bras!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Vodka in cups!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Mmm. Nice arse!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Can he keep it up?
LADY LADDETTE
Call yourself lads?
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Think yerself able?
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Drink yer under the table!
[Enter LITTLE GIRL and her CRY BABIES who manipulate the men].
LITTLE GIRL
Oh I’m just a little girl.
CRY BABY 1
Won’t you please protect me?
CRY BABY 2
From the big nasty world?
CRY BABY 3
With lots of nice money?
LITTLE GIRL
If you’re man enough?
CRY BABY 1
If you think I’m cute?
CRY BABY 2
You’ll marry me for love.
CRY BABY 3
I’ll divorce you for a brute.
LITTLE GIRL
When I cry, I’m believed.
CRY BABY 1
If you cry, you’re just weak.
CRY BABY 2
Yes. I’ll bring you grief.
CRY BABY 3
Won’t you please protect me?
LITTLE GIRL
[Crying]. Oh you’re so jealous and so possessive! I’m just a little girl and you’re so aggressive!
[The women reporters cheer them on. CLARK draws LOIS to one side].
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