Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE FOURTEEN
Lois has enough.
CAST
Lois Vain; Clark Essex; Superman; The Siren; Sirenettes 1-2; Lady Laddette; Goodtime Girls 1-3; Little Girl; Cry Babies 1-3.
[LOIS is sitting at the bar. Enter CLARK].
LOIS
[Disappointed]. Oh. Hi Clark. Have you seen Superman? We’re supposed to be having dinner together at eight.
CLARK
Uh, yes Lois. I think I saw him outside, signing autographs. Would you like me to get him for you?
LOIS
Yeah, Clark. Be a girl’s best friend. Get Superman then get lost!
CLARK
Uh, sure Lois. Whatever you say.
[CLARK exits].
LOIS
Sheesh! That guy is such a wimp!
[Enter SUPERMAN. LOIS goes wobbly].
SUPERMAN
Hi, Lois. Sorry I’m late. I was just doing an interview for my latest film with George Clooney, The Perfect Hunk.
LOIS
No. That’s fine. Please. Sit down. Let’s talk. What do you want to talk about?
SUPERMAN
[Sitting down]. Whatever you’re interested in, Lois. Relationships? Fashion. Err... relationships... err... are you interested in anything else?
LOIS
Sure... err... lots of things. Why don’t you start? You wanna talk philosophy or something?
SUPERMAN
Sure, if you like. Do you know any philosophers?
LOIS
Sure. Err... No. I was kinda hoping you could just talk and I’d just listen.
SUPERMAN
Ah. Those were the bad old days, Lois. Let’s talk about what you’re interested in.
LOIS
Err... look Superman... I know that women gripe when the man does all the talking but that kinda makes life easier. So, get talking or get walking!
SUPERMAN
You know something, Lois. You’re right. It’s my job to make you feel comfortable. Maybe we could talk about you doing an article on me for the Distortion?
LOIS
Sure. What did you have in mind?
SUPERMAN
No, Lois. What did you have in mind? What would women be interested in? Maybe a photo-shoot of me swimming? Maybe me with a baby talking about being a house-husband? Or how I enjoy the company of women to men because they’re so much more communicative? Let’s do it!
LOIS
Sheesh! Lets not! You know, Superman, I hate to say it but my dream-date you are not.
SUPERMAN
I’m sorry. Don’t I make you feel comfortable?
LOIS
I don’t wanna feel comfortable! I wanna feel uncomfortable! Scared! Not in control!
SUPERMAN
Well sure, Lois. If you just make your mind up...
LOIS
Don’t tell me to make my mind up! I don’t know what I want! I just don’t want... this! You’re... boring me!
SUPERMAN
Uh, gee, I’m sorry Lois.
LOIS
And stop apologizing! Clark does it all the time and it drives me nuts! [Pause]. Hey? How come I never see you and Clark together at the same time?
[Music. Enter the SIREN and her SIRENETTES who hypnotize SUPERMAN. LOIS watches with growing jealousy and anger].
[Enter LADY LADDETTE and her GOODTIME GIRLS].
LADY LADDETTE
Gerremoff!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Put ‘em back on!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Party all night long!
LADY LADDETTE
Push-up bras!
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Vodka in cups!
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Mmm. Nice arse!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Can he keep it up?
LADY LADDETTE
Call yourself lads?
GOODTIME GIRL 1
Think yerself able?
GOODTIME GIRL 2
Goodtime Girls!
GOODTIME GIRL 3
Drink yer under the table!
[Enter LITTLE GIRL and her CRY BABIES who manipulate SUPERMAN].
LITTLE GIRL
Oh I’m just a little girl.
CRY BABY 1
Won’t you please protect me?
CRY BABY 2
From the big nasty world?
CRY BABY 3
With lots of nice money?
LITTLE GIRL
If you’re man enough?
CRY BABY 1
If you think I’m cute?
CRY BABY 2
You’ll marry me for love.
CRY BABY 3
I’ll divorce you for a brute.
LITTLE GIRL
When I cry, I’m believed.
CRY BABY 1
If you cry, you’re just weak.
CRY BABY 2
Yes. I’ll bring you grief.
CRY BABY 3
Won’t you please protect me?
LITTLE GIRL
[Crying]. Oh you’re so jealous and so possessive! I’m just a little girl and you’re so aggressive!
LOIS
Right! That does it! Get your damned claws off him!
[The UBERBABES turn on her].
LADY LADDETTE
You can’t talk to us that way!
LITTLE GIRL
We’re Uberbabes!
ALL UBERBABES
We’re your role model!
LOIS
Believe me, girls! It seemed like fun at the time but I do not wanna be like you! [Raising fist]. Now, beat it or eat it!
[Play WONDER WOMAN fight music. LOIS defeats all the UBERBABES in a good old-fashioned girl fight. They run off. SUPERMAN comes to his senses].
SUPERMAN
Lois? Where am I? What’s been happening? It’s all been like a bad dream!
LOIS
You got that right, Superman. We gotta get you back into shape. I’ll take you to a Speakeasy.
SUPERMAN
A Speakeasy?
LOIS
Sure. It’s like a creche for house-husbands. They dump the kids out back. Give ‘em milk laced with rum. Then they behave in the bad old ways. Get drunk. Tell bad jokes. Talk about war and sport. No women allowed. Kinda puts a dampener on the conversation.
SUPERMAN
But, Lois. You’re a woman...
LOIS
Nice of you to notice.
SUPERMAN
How will you get in?
LOIS
[Putting on hat and raincoat]. You see that Nicks game last week? I worked on the sports desk for six months. I’ll pass as a guy. Let’s go.
[They exit].
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