Superman Versus The Uberbabes
© Chris Port, 2000
A Youth Theatre 'Play In A Day'
This little playlet was written VERY quickly (first and only draft) for a ‘play in a day’ at a youth theatre with LOTS of kids! It’s (hopefully) fun and silly, with a slightly more adult message underneath...
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SCENES ONE THROUGH TO SEVENTEEN
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SCENE THIRTEEN
The Chat Show.
CAST
Jerry Sinner; Audience; Lucinda Loose; Bouncers; Winona Welfare; Doctor Ruth; Audience; Camp Chef.
[THEME MUSIC. Enter JERRY SINNER to sit on stool and address audience].
JERRY SINNER
Good evening. My name is Jerry Sinner and welcome to tonight’s show.
AUDIENCE
Go Jerry! Go Jerry!
JERRY SINNER
A controversial subject tonight. Superman: Super-hero or Super-zero? Are Superheroes outdated and sexist? Or can they reinvent themselves as new men? Is a man who leaps around in a leotard with his underpants on the outside a suitable role model for our young people? But before we meet the Macho Man of Steel, let's meet a young woman who claims to have had his love-child. Come in Lucinda Loose!
AUDIENCE
Go Jerry! Go Jerry!
[Enter LUCINDA LOOSE. She sits down].
JERRY SINNER
[Walking around]. Your name is Lucinda?
LUCINDA
[Chewing gum]. Yeah, right Jerry.
JERRY SINNER
And you’re a single mom, Lucinda?
LUCINDA
Yeah, right, Jerry. And proud of it! [SHE PUNCHES THE AIR AND WHOOPS].
[The AUDIENCE applaud].
JERRY SINNER
And is your child a girl or a boy?
LUCINDA
I don’t rightly know, Jerry. I ain’t ever checked.
AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
Hey! Call yourself a parent?
LUCINDA
[Standing up. Belligerent]. Hey! Get off my case! You don’t know nothing! You don’t know nothing! Who are you to start criticizing? Eat my shorts, butt-face!
[The BOUNCERS intervene].
JERRY SINNER
And you say that Superman is the father of your child?
LUCINDA
Yeah, right. A super-fast father, if you get my drift?
JERRY SINNER
And what do you want to say to Superman tonight?
LUCINDA
Superman? I just want you to come back and look after your son or daughter or whatever. Or paternity cheques. Say a thousand bucks a week? Whatever. But you owe us, Superman. You owe us.
[The AUDIENCE applaud].
JERRY SINNER
Lucinda? Before we bring on Superman, I think there’s someone else you ought to meet.
LUCINDA
What? A film producer, right? You gonna make my life into a TV movie?
JERRY SINNER
We can talk about that after the show. But first, I’d like you to meet a woman who says she is Superman’s girlfriend and she is the mother of his love-child. Come on in, Winona Welfare!
[The AUDIENCE applaud as WINONA WELFARE enters. She and LUCINDA eyeball each other and then start to attack one another].
LUCINDA
Stay away from my Superman!
WINONA
You don’t know nothing! You don’t know nothing!
[The BOUNCERS pull them apart and sit them down].
JERRY
Winona? You say that you’re Superman’s girlfriend?
WINONA
[Chewing gum]. Yeah. Right Jerry. And this dumb dope head don’t know nothing!
LUCINDA
Hey! You don’t know nothing!
[They attack each other again, etc.]
JERRY
Let’s bring in Superman.
[Music. SUPERMAN enters. AUDIENCE boo. SUPERMAN sits in between the two women who both grab a hand each].
JERRY
Superman. Are you the father of these women's children?
SUPERMAN
Hi, Jerry. First, I’d like to thank you for inviting me on your show to set the record straight. Second, no. I have never seen either of these two women before and I am not the father of their children.
[The AUDIENCE boo. LUCINDA and WINONA start crying].
LUCINDA
Oh Superman! How can you say that? I love you!
WINONA
No, Superman, I love you. Your son, daughter, whatever, needs you. You gotta look after us!
LUCINDA
No! You gotta look after us!
JERRY
Superman. You say that you’re a new man. Are you going to live up to your parental and financial responsibilities? Or are you just another dead-beat dad?
SUPERMAN
Jerry. Ladies. Audience. I have never seen these women before until tonight and I am not the father of their children. [Boos from AUDIENCE. SUPERMAN puts his hand up for silence]. However, if Lucinda and Winona would care to talk to my agent after the show, I’m sure we can make a deal.
LUCINDA
A TV movie?
WINONA
A TV movie?
SUPERMAN
TV and newspaper rights. I’m sure the Daily Distortion would like to make you ladies an offer. And, who knows? In the movie it might even turn out that I am the father!
[They all laugh and hug].
JERRY
[To AUDIENCE]. Never underestimate the power of the media and the dollar to bring about a happy ending. Now, Superman, our resident Sexpert, Doctor Ruth, would like to ask you a few questions. Come on in, Doctor Ruth!
[Music. Audience cheer. Enter DR. RUTH].
DOCTOR RUTH
[Sitting down]. Jerry. I heard what this young man was saying out back and I just want to say what a wonderful thing I think he is doing. [AUDIENCE and JERRY and LUCINDA and WINONA applaud]. If only more young men would start selling their girlfriends’ life stories to the TV and newspapers, what a happier place this world would be! There are no problems that can’t be sorted out by letting tens of millions of complete strangers laugh at them! [AUDIENCE laugh and applaud]. Now, Superman. Something that I and millions of other women have always wanted to know. Why do you wear your underpants on the outside?
SUPERMAN
Hi, Doctor Ruth. Well, to begin with, it was kind of a Kryptonian thing, Krypton being my home planet. Kryptonians wear their underwear on the outside to symbolize honesty. We’ve nothing to hide except our true identities.
DR RUTH
So this is a sexual thing, right? Everything is on view.
SUPERMAN
Right. I think that if everyone started to wear their underwear on the outside, with everything on view, then we’d all feel a lot more relaxed. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, by the way, but I’ve now changed by brand to Calvin Klein underpants for that rugged beach look. Also, my cape is now sponsored by Levis and will soon be available in the shops at $99.95. So, guys, get in shape and buy a cape! Women have eyes for a man who flies!
DOCTOR RUTH
And what do you look for in a woman, Superman?
SUPERMAN
That’s a good question - and one that my speech writers spent a long time thinking about. Someone who is strong, [Applause], independent, [Applause], romantic [Applause], caring, [Applause], kind to animals, [Applause], and any other meaningless platitude you care to mention - apart from the obvious ones like big tits and lots of money [Applause].
DOCTOR RUTH
And do you think that men have really changed, Superman?
SUPERMAN
Sure. We’re all so frightened of being sued or ridiculed or dying a sad, lonely death that we’ll say or do anything that women want. And I think that’s a good thing. [Applause from audience].
JERRY SINNER
Superman. I understand that you’ve put your superpowers to good use in the home now?
SUPERMAN
That’s right, Jerry. I can vacuum clean the house at the speed of light. Same with the shopping. And my freezing breath and hot laser eyes are just the thing for the kitchen.
JERRY
I’m glad that you mentioned the kitchen, Superman. Would you like to help out our resident gay gourmet, Camp Chef?
SUPERMAN
Sure, Jerry, I’d love to.
JERRY
Let’s hear it for Superman and Camp Chef!
[AUDIENCE applause. Set up CAMP CHEF. JERRY and SUPERMAN go over].
JERRY
Camp Chef, this is Superman.
[CAMP CHEF offers a limp hand to SUPERMAN].
CAMP CHEF
Enchanté! And what a super man you are!
JERRY
And what are you preparing for us tonight, Camp Chef?
CAMP CHEF
An old-fashioned English custard tart! ‘Cause we all like a bit of tart, don’t we girls? We all like a thick, wobbly filling! Lots of whipped gooey cream dribbling from our mouths! Ooh! Stop me with the innuendo, please! I’m always trying to slip it in!
SUPERMAN
Uh. What would you like me to do, Camp Chef?
CAMP CHEF
Ooh! This is a family show, you big naughty boy! Just stand there and look firm while I prepare the ingredients. Oops! I’ve just dropped my spoon!
SUPERMAN
Allow me. [He bends down to pick up the spoon. CAMP CHEF watches with interest. SUPERMAN hands the spoon back].
CAMP CHEF
Thank you. I’m always dropping my spoon. And other things besides! And if you’re a good boy, I’ll even let you lick the cream off it a bit later! Ooh! Now then. The ingredients for an old-fashioned English custard tart are all written down in my latest book, Hot and Steamy In The Kitchen With Cream, available from most good book shops - and a few naughty ones besides. Superman, I’d like you to use your super-muscle strength to whip up this bowl of cream for me. [SUPERMAN starts to whip the cream]. Not too hard, you brute! You’ll get cream everywhere! Ooh! He needs controlling, doesn’t he girls? Now, pour it all over the tart. Normally, I’d stick this in the oven for 30 to 40 minutes at 170 degrees Centigrade. But, Superman, if you’d like to use your laser baby blue eyes? And aren’t they dreamy eyes, girls? [SUPERMAN uses his laser eyes]. And that should do it! Voila! Slightly burned, you naughty boy! But I always like my tarts well-browned. Old-fashioned English custard tart!
[AUDIENCE applaud].
JERRY
Thank you, Superman. [To AUDIENCE]. I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here today. It’s not what’s inside but what’s on the outside that counts. If everything is shallow then don’t go deep or you’ll just bang your head on the bottom. If everybody thinks the same way then you’d be a damned fool to think any different. And unpopular, which is even worse. There are no problems that can’t be solved with money and, if there are, people don’t want to hear about them. My name is Jerry Sinner. Look after yourselves, because nobody else will. Good night. 
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