© Chris Port, 1994. All rights reserved.
Narrator, Carl Brewerton, Sofa 1, Sofa 2.
Carl and pizza fail to impress the girls.
Enough plot for the moment. Let’s consider the food. Party food is invariably foul which is why your guests end up treading most of it into the carpet. If that’s what you think of them then this is what they think of you. (Treads an imaginary morsel into the carpet). It does sometimes help if you have a dog to hoover up the droppings although I should also point out that dogs have an unfortunate tendency to be sick at parties. So do human beings for that matter... (looks at Mark Fowler)... but we’ll come to that later.
First, a social health warning about pizza. On no account eat pizza at a party. You’ll marvel that your every smiling remark causes such merriment. Only when you check out your devastated good looks in the bathroom mirror do you see that your Colgate smile has turned into the contents of a tramp’s nostrils. Take my advice. Eat before you go out and clean your teeth. You never know when you might get lucky.
(Carl Brewerton approaches two girls sitting on the sofa. He smiles at Sofa 1, unwittingly displaying cruddy teeth).
(To Sofa 1). Alright?
Yes, thank you. I’m just talking to my friend actually.
(To Sofa 1). Oh right. (To Sofa 2). Alright?
Yes, thank you. You’ve been eating pizza, haven’t you?
Yeah. It’s great. Loads of droppings... (Picking teeth with finger)... I mean toppings. Want some?
No thanks. (Giggling with Sofa 2). We’ve seen enough.
(Carl tries to join in the joke without realizing what it is and then wanders off).