© Chris Port, 1994. All rights reserved.
Scene 5.
Narrator, Drunk Boy, Best Mate, Sofa 1, Sofa 2.
Drunk Boy fails to impress the girls.
(The Narrator takes a can of beer from Mark Fowler. Since the Narrator cannot be seen by any of the characters on stage, Mark Fowler looks visibly confused).
NARRATOR
Excuse me. All this talking makes me thirsty. (He holds up the can to examine it). Drink. Alcohol. The most commonly abused drug in the world. Now we all know that there’s a knack to drinking. But unfortunately, we often get too drunk to remember what it is... What was I talking about?
Oh yes. Alcohol. Not everyone drinks alcohol at parties. Some people stick to coke all night. You can watch their teeth change from yellow to black. Dentists call it the ‘Pepsi Smile’. But we’ll ignore all those sober designated walkers for the moment and concentrate on the piss-heads. They’re more interesting... or do I mean boring?... depending on what kind of piss-head we’re dealing with.
(He approaches Drunk Boy and Best Mate). Take this one, for instance. He’s had... oh I’d say about four cans of lager on an empty stomach. Not used to it either. He’s with his best friend, his best mate, the sober one with the Pepsi smile here. And there’s nothing like being pissed to make you realize how important your friends are. He’s your best mate. Think of all the summers you’ve dossed through... a lifetime drooling at girls together. And you’re only fifteen. Let’s take a listen.
DRUNK BOY
I’m pissed.
BEST MATE
I know. Just go easy, will you?
DRUNK BOY
Bry. I’m pissed.
BEST MATE
I know. You said. Just go easy. Finish that one then stick to the coke.
DRUNK BOY
How long have we known each other, Bry?
BEST MATE
Forever. Four years. Look. Just sit down. I don’t want you falling over.
DRUNK BOY
Four years! Has it really been that long? You’re my friend, Bry. My best friend. I love you. In a plutonic way.
BEST MATE
Platonic.
DRUNK BOY
That as well. You’re my best friend. I want you to know that.
BEST FRIEND
I do. Come on. Just sit down over here.
(Best Mate guides Drunk Boy to the sofa occupied by Sofa 1 and Sofa 2 who look understandably hostile).
SOFA 1
Someone’s already sitting here.
DRUNK BOY
They’re very small then. Fallen down the crack, have they? (He tries to retrieve an imaginary person from the gap between the cushions. He ends up falling heavily on top of Sofa 1).
SOFA 1
Get off me you pervert! (She shoves Drunk Boy off her. He collapses on the floor).
DRUNK BOY
There was no need for that. She didn’t have to do that, did she Bry?
(Best Mate helps Drunk Boy to his feet).
BEST MATE
It doesn’t matter. We’ll go somewhere else.
SOFA 2
Yes. Take him somewhere else, will you? I don’t want him puking on me.
DRUNK BOY
I’m not going to puke. Ask Bry. He’s known me four years. We love each other. In a catatonic way.
BEST MATE
Platonic.
DRUNK BOY
That as well. How many times you known me to puke, Bry?
BEST MATE
(To girls). I’m sorry. I’ll take him outside. (To Drunk Boy). Come on. Lets get some fresh air.
DRUNK BOY
(Shaking himself free and swaying). I don’t want any fresh air. It stinks out there. And its cold. I want to dance. (To Sofa 1). Come on. Let’s dance. (He goes to grab her hand but she shakes him off. He falls to his knees).
SOFA 1
Get lost you creep.
DRUNK BOY
I’m not a creep.
SOFA 2
Yes you are.
DRUNK BOY
No I’m not. (To Sofa 2). Come on. You dance with me. A nice slow one.
SOFA 2
You must be joking.
DRUNK BOY
Why not?
SOFA 2
Because you’re a geek and you’re drunk.
DRUNK BOY
I’m not a geek. And so what if I’m pissed. Bry? Tell them that Winston Churchill thing.
BEST MATE
(Trying to coax Drunk Boy away). I don’t think they’re interested.
SOFA 2
What Winston Churchill thing?
BEST MATE
It doesn’t matter.
SOFA 1
No. Go on. What Winston Churchill thing.
DRUNK BOY
Go on, Bry. Tell them.
BEST MATE
Well Winston Churchill was drunk at this party and this woman said to him “Sir, you are drunk”. And he said “Yes, Madam. And you are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober”. (There is a deathly pause). You see, she’d still be ugly in the morning. (There is another deathly pause). I’ve just called you ugly, haven’t I?
SOFA 1
You’re a geek as well. Just go away, will you?
BEST MATE
Okay. I’m sorry. (Pulls Drunk Boy after him). Come on. Let’s go outside.
DRUNK BOY
(As they exit). She fancied you.
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