© Chris Port, 1994. All rights reserved.
Scene 10.
Narrator, Eleanor Parker, Joanna Lewis, Tina Smalls, a loo-queue of boys.
Eleanor and Tina console Joanna about Steve Marshall. The boys hold their bladders.
(Joanna goes into the toilet and sits on the loo seat crying. A loo-queue of boys starts to form outside, jiggling impatiently. Eleanor barges her way through the loo-queue, knocks on the door, and is admitted by Joanna. Protests from the boys. Tina also pushes her way through the loo-queue and is admitted with more protests from the suffering males).
NARRATOR
The toilet. Now at a reasonably successful party you’ve got upwards of thirty people drinking liquid all night. And, sooner or later, that liquid has just got to come out. But house-builders are obviously really sad people who don’t ever go to parties because they only seem to install one or two toilets per household. This makes going to the loo a bit like going to the cinema in that everyone else seems to get the same idea at the same time. Hence, a queue.
(The loo-queue becomes more agonized).
Now a man is judged not so much by the colour of his skin, or the content of his character, as by the sheer volume of drink he can consume, still stand up, or at least lean up, and carry on a conversation. All this while his bladder threatens to explode between his legs like a New York fire-hydrant during a heat wave.
Now the human body is a marvelous thing but its bladder capacity is only about two pints. After that, your bladder starts to send you polite little faxes suggesting that now might be a good time to liquidate some of your assets. If you ignore these little suggestions, your bladder takes out a full page neon advert in your brain screaming “Piss-or-die!”. Then you get the message. And so here we see a queue of agonized males waiting their turn for the toilet.
Which brings us to the next problem. Not everyone uses the toilet for purely functional reasons. Some girls see it as a perfectly convenient place to discuss their emotional problems. Unfortunately, for our loo-queue, it looks as though this particular problem needs to be talked about at painful length.
(Joanna is sitting on the toilet seat crying. Eleanor is crouched down next to her, consoling. Tina is slouched against the locked door looking unsympathetic).
ELEANOR
(To Joanna). Come on. It’s Steve, isn’t it?
JOANNA
He’s been talking to her all night. He’s hardly looked at me since we got here.
TINA
Who? Who’s he been talking to?
ELEANOR
(To Tina). Marie Horner. (To Joanna). Oh come on. You know what she’s like.
TINA
Marie Horner? She’s such a tart.
(Eleanor looks at Tina as if to say “You’re not helping much”).
ELEANOR
She just loves the attention, that’s all.
TINA
Yeah. Carl Brewerton’s after her too.
JOANNA
(Looking up). Do you really think Steve fancies her?
ELEANOR
I don’t think it’s that. He’s just...
TINA
Oh come on! His eyes are crawling all over her!
JOANNA
I must have done something to annoy him. He wouldn’t be like this otherwise.
TINA
God’s sake! He’s chatting up Marie Horner and you’re blaming yourself?
JOANNA
You’re just trying to split us up, aren’t you? You’ve always fancied Steve.
TINA
What? Me? Fancy that geek? You’re welcome to him.
ELEANOR
Both of you stop it.
(There is a bang on the door from one of the loo-queue).
TINA
(Shouting through the door). Piss off!
ELEANOR
Jo? Come on. It’s pointless you crying up here, isn’t it? Either go and talk to Steve or talk to someone else.
TINA
Yeah. Make the geek jealous.
ELEANOR
No. That’s not what I mean. Look. Why don’t you just tell Steve you’re not feeling well? Ask him to take you home.
TINA
God’s sake! (There is another bang on the door). Piss off!
JOANNA
But suppose he wants to stay here?
TINA
Then you’ll know he’s just a bastard.
JOANNA
Don’t talk about Steve like that.
TINA
He doesn’t care about you.
JOANNA
Yes he does. (There is another bang on the door). Piss off! (Pause). Do you think that might have been Steve seeing if I’m alright?
TINA
God’s sake! (Shouting through the door). Is Steve out there? (There is a rapid identity check among the loo-queue followed by muffled replies of “No” and “Hurry up”). Alright. Suppose you want to go home and he just carries on talking to her. It’s over then, isn’t it?
ELEANOR
Tina!
JOANNA
Oh thanks, Tina. Thanks for being so supportive.
TINA
What’s all the fuss? It’s only a bloke.
ELEANOR
Not everyone feels the same way as you, Tina.
TINA
What? Treat them mean and keep them keen? Works for me. That’s what he’s doing to Jo anyway. You want to show him your leg and make him beg, girl.
ELEANOR
Come on, Jo. You go down into the kitchen. I’ll get Steve and tell him you’re not well.
(Tina unlocks and opens the door just as the head of the loo-queue is banging on it).
TINA
(To loo-queue). What’s your problem, mate? Wet your pants? (To Joanna and Eleanor). Well come on then.
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