© Chris Port, 1994. All rights reserved.
Scene 9.
Narrator, the Company.
Snogging.
(A boy and a girl get onto the bed. As the Narrator speaks, others cover them completely with coats until only an occasional limb can be seen rising and falling).
NARRATOR
The bedroom. Or, more specifically, the bed. Traditionally this is where you are asked to put your coat at a party. Now there are two reasons for this. First, it’s just a convenient surface area on which to throw a confusion of jackets. But secondly, and more subtly, its a sort of coded message from the host saying “Don’t even think of sneaking in here and being naughty with someone because people will be in and out of here all night and, sooner or later, you’ll be found out”. And, sure enough, you often are found out.
(Monica uncovers the snogging couple and expels them from the bedroom. The Narrator crosses to another couple. As the Narrator speaks, the boy makes a pass at the girl who is somewhat surprised. She then recovers and throws back the boy for a snog, somewhat to his surprise).
Which neatly brings us onto the subject of snogging, that sending of the tongue into the gymnasium of passion to work up a good spit. Now snogging is a curious thing. One moment, you’re just saying the first thing that comes into your head, and then the next thing that comes into your head is someone elses tongue. There’s no spoken agreement to it. The conversation just sort of comes to a red light and the other person’s eyes give you the green.
(The Narrator crosses to another couple, unsuccessfully trying for their first snog, who cannot resist peeking).
The most important rule of snogging is to close your eyes. You cannot bring your face that close to another person, and actually look at them, without collapsing into a fit of the giggles. Mother Nature anticipated this and you’ll find that you close your eyes by instinct. You may be tempted to sneak a look however. Don’t. Invariably, at that exact same instant, the same thought will occur to the other person. The end result is that you’ve both broken the first rule of snogging and we’re back to the giggles.
(The Narrator crosses to another couple who are snogging in a slow dance clinch, much to the chagrin of others who start to disrupt the proceedings by lobbing peanuts. Eventually, the snogging couple retreat to the garden).
One consequence of closing your eyes is that you both become oblivious to your surroundings. They don’t become oblivious to you though. You may become dimly aware of distant shouts of encouragement or disgust, depending on how jealous your audience are. If they’re really jealous, you’ll feel these little bumps on the back of your neck like kamikaze insects. These are stale peanuts being lobbed at you by your friends. Ignore them. With as much dignity as you can muster, take your snogging partner into the romantically freezing cold garden and find a nice wet wall to lean against. Here, with only the snails and the dew and the distant thump of the stereo for company, you can kiss to your innocent heart’s content.
(The couple take a snog break. The boy goes indoors to get a drink. When he returns he is confronted with three alternative scenarios, all equally unpleasant: his partner is gone; his partner is with someone else; his partner is less attractive than first dimly seen. He returns to his friends).
Twenty minutes is usually enough. After that, snog-fatigue sets in. Your tongue is an exhausted gymnast clinging on by one frayed rope. “Time out” calls the referee. You offer to get your snogging partner a drink and disappear. A few minutes later, when you return, they’re either gone, with someone else, or you suddenly see them in the same way as your friends must see them, spots and all. You have got to live this down for the whole of next week. Silently, you turn on your heel, scrunching a few stale peanuts underfoot, and return to the pack like a fatted wolf. (The snogging couple shyly ignore each other). No-one can avoid your eyes more deliberately than someone you were kissing on a Saturday night.
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