Chris Port, 2009
FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
(An educational non-profit making adaptation of the short story Quitters, Inc. by Stephen King, 1978, devised and scripted for GCSE Drama)
A multi-role play for five actors
Characters (in order of appearance)
CHRIS PORTER
(A middle-aged man who would like to quit smoking)
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
(Self-explanatory)
TOM KINGSLEY
(PORTER’s old friend)
ACTOR[s]
(KINGSLEY’s wife, KINGSLEY’s dad, KINGSLEY’s cough, CECIL RHODES, KINGSLEY’s doctor, business card, KINGSLEY’s boss, electrocuted bunny rabbit, SUSPICIOUS MAN)
MALE SECRETARY
(For Your Own Good Incorporated. Polite and slightly dangerous)
GRAHAM CAINE
(Office Manager at For Your Own Good Incorporated)
GERRY PORTER
(CHRIS PORTER’s son)
OPERATIVE
(For Your Own Good Incorporated)
MATE
(Another friend of PORTER’s)
HITMAN
(Mr Carter, For Your Own Good Incorporated)
DOCTOR
(For Your Own Good Incorporated)
CHRIS PORTER is a middle-aged man who would like to quit smoking. His friend advises him to go to For Your Own Good Incorporated, the firm that he says finally helped him to kick the habit. The firm is said to have a 100% success rate with their clients. Their methods are unusual and confidential. But they guarantee that, once a person has signed up for treatment, they will never smoke again.
Scene 1
(Public bar in an airport. Possible sound effects – planes landing and taking-off; announcements over the PA system, etc. CHRIS PORTER is sitting on a barstool. He finishes his drink and takes out a cigarette.)
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
We would like to remind you that it is illegal to smoke anywhere in the building. If you must smoke, please go outside. If you would like help on giving up smoking, information leaflets are available at the public information desk.
PORTER
(Scowling). Fascists. (He looks outside). Oh well, a little rain never hurt anyone.
(He gets up to go outside. As he does so, TOM KINGSLEY, an old acquaintance, walks up and puts a friendly hand on his shoulder.)
KINGSLEY
Chris? Chris Porter?
PORTER
(Struggling to place the face). Tom? Tom Kingsley?
KINGSLEY
Good to see you again. (He sits down next to PORTER). God, how many years since King Hogwart’s?
PORTER
Too many. You’re looking good though.
KINGSLEY
(A little smugly). Thanks. Healthy food. Active lifestyle. And no more cancer sticks. (KINGSLEY shakes his head disapprovingly at PORTER’s cigarette.)
PORTER
Oh god, don’t say you’ve given up too.
KINGSLEY
Six months and twelve days. But who’s counting?
PORTER
Congratulations. We smokers are a dying breed.
KINGSLEY
Well, you should think about giving it up too.
PORTER
Oh Tom, don’t you start. I get enough of that from the health nazis.
KINGSLEY
No, I’m serious. Something happened last year that changed my life. You might be interested.
PORTER
(Thought-tracking to audience). My God, he’s got religion.
KINGSLEY
Let me tell you about it. I wasn't in very good shape. Marriage problems –
(Actor calls from sidelines “I want a divorce”)
- my dad died - heart attack -
(Actor collapses from sidelines clutching chest)
- and I got this hacking cough -
(Actor leaps up from sidelines and coughs his guts up, then gives a little bow to audience).
Cecil Rhodes dropped by my office one day and gave me a fatherly little talk. Do you remember what those are like?
(Actor walks over from sidelines and starts to wag his finger disapprovingly. PORTER cuts him short with a stare).
PORTER
Yes. Yes I do.
KINGSLEY
Well, to cut a long story short –
PORTER
(Thought-tracking to audience, fingering his cigarette longingly) - Oh God, please cut it short -
KINGSLEY
- the doctor told me -
ACTOR
(As doctor) - Mr Kingsley, you have a stomach ulcer. You must stop smoking immediately.
PORTER
Might as well tell you to stop breathing. Did you quit?
KINGSLEY
Yes, I did. At first I didn't think I'd be able to. Kept quitting quitting every time I had a bad day. Then I met someone who told me about an outfit over the Moon Rooms. Specialists. I thought what have I got to lose and went over. I haven’t smoked since.
PORTER
What did they do? Fill you full of some drug?
KINGSLEY
No. (Takes out his wallet and pulls out a business card). Here it is. I knew I had one somewhere. (Hands card to PORTER who reads it).
ACTORS
(Acting out business card)
For Your Own Good Incorporated!
Stop Going Up in Smoke!
Market Place Back Alley.
Above the Moon Rooms.
Treatments by Appointment.
KINGSLEY
Keep it, if you want. They’ll cure you. Guaranteed.
PORTER
How?
KINGSLEY
I can't tell you.
PORTER
Huh? Why not?
KINGSLEY
It’s part of the contract they make you sign. Anyway, they tell you how it works when they interview you.
PORTER
You signed a contract? (KINGSLEY nods). And that did the trick?
KINGSLEY
Yep.
PORTER
(Thought-tracking to audience). Smug bastard. (To KINGSLEY). Why the great secrecy? How come I’ve never seen any adverts?
KINGSLEY
Word of mouth. They have a ninety-eight per cent cure rate.
PORTER
Wait a second. Do these people strap you down and make you smoke until you throw up?
KINGSLEY
No.
PORTER
Give you something so that you get sick every time you light up?
KINGSLEY
No, it's nothing like that. Go and see for yourself. (Gesturing at cigarette). You don’t really want that, do you?
PORTER
Yes, actually. No… but …
KINGSLEY
Giving up really changed things for me. I felt better. My marriage improved –
(Actor calls from sidelines “I love you”)
- I had more energy -
(Actor calls from sidelines “Oh God, I love you”)
- and my job performance picked up.
(Actor calls from sidelines “Mr Kingsley, I love you”)
PORTER
Look, you've got my curiosity aroused. Can’t you just …
KINGSLEY
I’m sorry, Chris. I really can’t talk about it.
PORTER
Did you put on any weight?
KINGSLEY
Yes. A little too much, in fact. But I took it off again. I'm about right now. I was skinny before.
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
Flight two-zero-six now boarding at gate nine.
KINGSLEY
That's me. Think about what I said, Chris. Really.
(PORTER picks up the card, looks at it thoughtfully, then tucks it away in his wallet. He goes outside for a smoke, coughs his guts up, gets out the card again, then makes his mind up. He goes to For Your Own Good Incorporated.)
Scene 2
(An office. Desk and two chairs. A sign. For Your Own Good Incorporated. A male secretary, coolly efficient. Polite and slightly dangerous).
PORTER
A friend gave me this. (He passes over the business card to the secretary).
SECRETARY
What is your name, sir?
PORTER
Chris Porter.
SECRETARY
Your address?
PORTER
Here’s my business card (He hands over another card).
SECRETARY
Married?
PORTER
Divorced.
SECRETARY
Children?
PORTER
One.
SECRETARY
Who recommended us to you, Mr Porter?
PORTER
An old school friend. Tom Kingsley.
SECRETARY
Very good. Will you have a seat?
(PORTER sits down, takes out his pack of cigarettes, looks around, and sees that there are no ashtrays. He puts the pack away again. He picks up a magazine and begins to flick through it).
SECRETARY
Go right in, Mr Porter.
(PORTER goes in to GRAHAM CAINE’s office).
CAINE
I’m Graham Caine. I’ll be in charge of your case.
PORTER
Pleased to meet you.
CAINE
Have a seat. Do you want to quit smoking?
PORTER
Yes.
CAINE
Will you sign this?
(As PORTER signs, the actors act out the contract).
ACTORS
The undersigned agrees
not to reveal
the methods or techniques
(They set up a split-scene latin legalese translation service. Very rapid).
ab initio / From the beginning
actus reus / A guilty deed or act
ad infinitum / Forever
in loco parentis / In place of a parent
in terrorem / As a warning or a deterrent
per minas / By means of menaces
(CAINE counter-signs).
CAINE
Good. We have no interest in why you want to stop smoking. And we accept no payment until you have stopped smoking for one year.
PORTER
My God.
CAINE
Mr Kingsley didn’t tell you that?
PORTER
No.
CAINE
How is Mr Kingsley, by the way? Is he well?
PORTER
He’s fine.
CAINE
Wonderful. Excellent. Now … just a few questions, Mr Porter. These are somewhat personal, but your answers will be held in the strictest confidence. You just have the one child?
PORTER
Yes. Gerry.
CAINE
One final question. You haven’t had a cigarette for over an hour. How do you feel?
PORTER
Fine. Just fine.
CAINE
Good for you! After today, you’ll never smoke again.
PORTER
Is that right?
CAINE
Mr Porter, we guarantee it. Come with me. It’s going to be a pleasure to work with you on this.
PORTER
When does the treatment start?
CAINE
Oh, it already has. Do you have cigarettes with you, Mr Porter?
PORTER
Yes.
CAINE
May I have them, please?
(PORTER shrugs and hands CAINE his pack of cigarettes. CAINE puts the pack on the desk. Then, smiling into PORTER’s eyes, he curls his hand into a fist and hammers it down until the pack is smashed).
You wouldn’t believe the pleasure that gives me.
(He drops the pack into the wastebasket then consults his dossier).
Your son, Gerald James Porter. Sixteen years old. Born with a hole in the heart. Not expected to live beyond his early twenties. If he’s lucky.
PORTER
How did you find that out? You’ve got no right …
CAINE
We know a lot about you. But, as I said, all held in the strictest confidence. Do you realize how difficult it is to cure a nicotine addiction? The failure rate is almost eight-five per cent. The relapse rate for heroin is lower than that. It’s an extraordinary problem. Extraordinary!
(CAINE smiles, reaches into the bin, takes out a bent but intact cigarette and crumbles it slowly between his fingers).
Sometimes there are attempts to stop teachers from smoking in their break times. In a few cases, there have been riots. Teacher riots, Mr Porter. Imagine it.
PORTER
I’m not surprised. Could we get to the treatment?
CAINE
Patience. Step over here, please.
(CAINE rises and draws some imaginary curtains. There is an actor crouched down as a rabbit washing his ears and eating some lettuce).
PORTER
Nice bunny rabbit.
ACTOR
Thank you.
CAINE
Indeed. Watch him.
(CAINE presses a button. Sound effect of electric shocks. The rabbit stops eating and begins to hop about crazily).
PORTER
Stop that! You're electrocuting him!
CAINE
Yes. The floor is charged. Watch the rabbit, Mr Porter.
(The rabbit crouches in terror, staring at the lettuce).
If the rabbit gets a jolt often enough while he’s eating, he makes the association very quickly. Eating causes pain. Therefore, he won’t eat. A few more shocks, and the rabbit will starve to death in front of his food. It's called aversion training.
PORTER
No, thanks.
CAINE
Wait, please, Mr Porter.
PORTER
Unlock this door.
CAINE
Mr Porter, if you'll just sit down …
PORTER
Unlock this door or I'll have the police here before you can say RSPCA.
CAINE
Let me explain the treatment in more detail.
PORTER
You don't understand, I don't want the treatment. I've decided against it.
CAINE
No, Mr Porter. You’re the one who doesn’t understand. You don’t have any choice.
PORTER
You’re crazy.
CAINE
Let me tell you all about the treatment. For the first month, our operatives will have you under constant supervision. You’ll be able to spot some of them. Not all. But they’ll always be with you. Always. If they see you smoke a cigarette, I get a call.
PORTER
And I suppose you bring me here and do the old rabbit trick.
CAINE
Oh, no. Your son gets the rabbit trick, not you. You, get to watch. You must realize we have your best interests at heart.
(The actors role play and act out the various treatments, holding up signs for each offence).
First offence, your son will be brought to 'the rabbit room' and given electric shock treatment.
Second offence, you get the dose.
Third offence, both of you will be brought in together.
Fourth offence, alas, will require sterner measures. An operative will be sent to Gerald’s school to work the boy over. Imagine, how horrible it will be for the boy. He wouldn’t understand it even if someone explained.
(We see PORTER’s son being ‘worked over’).
He’ll only know someone is hurting him because his Dad was bad. He’ll be very frightened.
PORTER
You bastard. You dirty, filthy bastard.
CAINE
Fifth offence. The room for you and your son, a beating for you, and a second beating for your son.
(PORTER lunges at CAINE. CAINE is quicker. He grabs PORTER by the scruff of the neck and slams his face into the desk).
Sit down, Mr Porter. Let’s talk this over like rational men. We operate on a ten-step punishment scale. Steps six, seven, and eight, further trips to the rabbit room, Increased voltage, and more serious beatings. The ninth step will be the breaking of your son’s arms.
(The actors act out the various steps with glee).
PORTER
And the tenth?
CAINE
Then we give up, Mr Porter. You become part of the two per cent failure rate.
PORTER
You really give up?
CAINE
In a manner of speaking.
(CAINE opens one of the desk drawers and lays a pistol on the desk. He smiles).
But even the two per cent failures never smoke again. We guarantee it.
Scene 3
(PORTER’s home).
GERRY
What's up, Dad?
PORTER
Nothing … everything. I’m giving up smoking.
GERRY
Since when? Five minutes ago?
PORTER
Since three o’clock this afternoon.
GERRY
You really haven't had a cigarette since then?
PORTER
No.
GERRY
That’s great! What made you decide to quit?
PORTER
The … taxman.
GERRY
Are you really trying to quit?
PORTER
Really. (Thought-tracking to audience). And if I go to the police, the local mafia will be around to rearrange your face.
GERRY
That’s good, Dad. Even if you don’t make it, it’s good to see you making the effort.
PORTER
Oh, I think I’ll make it.
Scene 4
(That night, PORTER sleeps badly. Around three o'clock he wakes up completely. His craving for a cigarette is like a fever. He sneaks past GERRY’s room into the kitchen. He looks around, opens a drawer, and takes out a cigarette packet).
(Cross-cut to For Your Own Good Incorporated OPERATIVE on the other side of the stage).
OPERATIVE
You will be under constant supervision during the first month. Then twelve hours a day for the next. But you will never know which twelve. Then after that? Random surveillance for the rest of your life. For the rest of your life.
The point is, you won’t know. If you smoke, you’ll be gambling with loaded dice. Are they watching? Are they sending a man after my son right now? Beautiful, isn’t it? And if you do sneak a smoke, it’ll taste awful. It will taste like your son’s blood.
Scene 5
(Breakfast).
GERRY
Have you smoked yet?
PORTER
No.
GERRY
You’ll be back on them by lunchtime.
PORTER
Lot of help you are! You and anyone else who doesn’t smoke, you all think … ah, never mind.
GERRY
You’re really serious, Dad. You really are.
PORTER
You bet I am. You’ll never know how serious. I hope.
GERRY
Ah Dad. You look like shit warmed up. But I’m proud of you.
Scene 6
(Montage).
(PORTER and a MATE in a bar).
MATE
(Taking out a packet of cigarettes). Bloody health fascists. Coming outside for a breath of fresh air?
PORTER
(Tensely). I’m quitting.
MATE
(Laughing). I give you a week.
(PORTER waiting for the morning train, looking over the top of his newspaper at a SUSPICIOUS MAN. He sees the SUSPICIOUS MAN almost every morning now, and sometimes at other places).
(Shopping. Being watched).
(PORTER getting drunk at a party, wanting a cigarette. A SUSPICIOUS MAN, the same man from the station, offers him one. PORTER shakes his head suspiciously).
(PORTER needing to have something in his mouth … pens, cough drops, tooth-picks, chewing gum).
(And finally, PORTER in his car in a traffic jam. The Dartford Tunnel. Darkness. Sound effects of horns blaring).
PORTER
Who the hell can see me in a tunnel?
(And suddenly, he mimes opening the glove compartment. He hesitates, then mimes snatching out a cigarette and lighting it with the dashboard lighter. The first drag makes him cough furiously. The second makes his eyes water. The third makes him feel light-headed. From his facial expression, it tastes awful).
PORTER
My God, what am I doing?
(He stubs the cigarette out in the ashtray).
Scene 7
(Home. PORTER enters, slightly nervous).
PORTER
Gerry? (No answer). Gerry? (His mobile phone rings. He snatches it out and answers it). Hello? Gerry?
(Cross-cut to CAINE in his office on the other side of the stage).
CAINE
Hello, Mr Porter. It seems we have a small business matter to attend to. Would five o’clock be convenient?
PORTER
Have you got my son?
CAINE
Yes, indeed.
PORTER
Look, let him go. It won’t happen again. It was a slip, just a slip, that's all. I only had three drags. For God’s sake it didn’t even taste goodl
CAINE
That's a shame. I’ll count on you for five then, shall I?
PORTER
Please. Please …
(He is speaking to a dead line).
Scene 8
(CAINE’s office. CAINE is waiting with a HITMAN wearing a ‘Have a nice day’ T-shirt and carrying a pistol. PORTER enters).
CAINE
(To HITMAN). Mr Carter. This is your department, I believe. Mr Porter, have a nice day. (Exits).
PORTER
Listen. We can work something out I’ll pay you. I’ll …
HITMAN
Shut up, please, sir.
(PORTER goes to attack. The HITMAN neatly sidesteps, hand chops PORTER’s collar bone and slaps his face).
HITMAN
Now, now, sir. You’re a big man but you’re out of shape. I do this for a living. If you’re going to be a naughty boy, I’m going to have to give you a bit of a slap. And your boy is still going to get it. Shall we get it over with?
(We see GERRY strapped to a chair).
PORTER
Gerry!
HITMAN
He can't hear or see you. One-way glass. Well, let’s get it over with. It really was a very small slip. Ten seconds should be enough
(GERRY is electrocuted).
Are you going to be sick?
PORTER
No. I don't think so.
HITMAN
Come with me.
PORTER
Where?
HITMAN
I think you have a few things to explain to your son, don’t you?
PORTER
How can I face him? How can I tell him that I … I …
HITMAN
I think you’re going to be surprised. (Exits).
PORTER
Gerry?
GERRY
Dad? They told me everything.
PORTER
I suppose you hate me. I wouldn’t blame you.
GERRY
No. I don’t hate you. It was worth it. I want to thank those people. They’re saving your life.
PORTER
Do you mean that?
GERRY
Yeah. Can we go home now? I feel much better. Much better now.
(CAINE enters and places down some bathroom scales).
CAINE
Mr Porter. A final matter to talk over. Nothing serious. Don’t look so nervous. Step over here, please.
PORTER
Listen, I’ve gained a little weight, but …
CAINE
Yes, many of our clients do. On the scales, please.
(PORTER weighs himself).
Okay, fine. You can step off. Doctor?
(The HITMAN re-enters wearing a DOCTOR’s white coat and holding a clipboard. He does some calculations).
DOCTOR
Well, that’s not too bad. I’m going to write you a prescription for some highly illegal diet pills. And I’m going to set your maximum weight at … let's see … Eleven stone? How does that sound? And I’ll expect you the first of every month for a weigh-in. No problem if you can't make it, as long as you call in advance.
PORTER
And what happens if I go over eleven stone?
DOCTOR
I’ll come out to your house and cut off your son’s little finger.
CAINE
You can leave through this door, Mr Porter. Have a nice day.
Scene 9
(Eight months later. PORTER runs into a mate in a bar).
MATE
God, how’d you ever stop?
(PORTER looks at him then takes a small white business card out of his wallet. He hands it over).
PORTER
You know, these people changed my life.
Scene 10
(PORTER’s home. Twelve months later. He opens a bill in the post. The actors act it out).
ACTORS
For Your Own Good Incorporated!
Market Place Back Alley.
Above the Moon Rooms.
One Treatment £2500.00
Electricity 50p
Total – please pay this amount £2500.50
PORTER
Those bastards! They charged me for the electricity they used to … to …
GERRY
Just pay it, Dad.
PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT
We would like to remind you that it is illegal to smoke anywhere in the building. If you must smoke, please go outside. If you would like help on giving up smoking, information leaflets are available at the public information desk.
(CAINE and the DOCTOR enter).
CAINE
Now, if anyone in the audience would like some more personal treatment, our specially trained counsellors are waiting next door to help you.
(All actors assemble in a line. In unison).
ALL
Remember, we only have your best interests at heart! It’s for your own good!
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