© Chris Port, 27th June 2011
“It’s a dog’s life”. There’s a musical in there somewhere. I’ve already written the first song…
First, let me introduce you to my beautiful friend’s dog… Cooper…
Oh empty bowl
Oh disconsolate nose
Oh sorrowful home
Wet Battersea blows
Could you refuse this dog your food?
(Cooper's thoughts)
“Ha ha! Today, the bench. Tomorrow, the sofa. Then, the world! … Are you going to eat those crisps?”
Happiness is a muddy dog with a slobbery ball…
“You specifically said stay off the couch…”
Jim Morrison poeticized about the ‘monster of energy’.
I take him for walkies…
I take him for walkies…
The following entry in my ‘doggie diary’ is fairly typical…
“I took the monster of energy for a clifftop walk today. We got to the first poo bin. I asked him if he’d like to do anything. He grinned at me and sprayed a tree with piss. That was all. Halfway to the next poo bin, he went for a ten poo shitfest (which I bagged and carried for him). While watching his grinning brown eyes, a song started playing in my head. Bad Cooper…”
Bad Cooper
(To the tune of Goldfinger)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MagCoUYvIXE
(To the tune of Goldfinger)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MagCoUYvIXE
Bad Cooper
He’s the dog
The dog with the map of scent
For crap pavements
Such a glad pooch-a
Beckons you
To scoop up his puppy poo
Then grins at you
Ten wet turds he will pour from his rear
But his eyes aren’t surprised at your fear
For an awkward wag craps where there’s no bin
It’s the walk of bag with shit in
Bad Cooper
He’s the dog
The dog with the map of scent
For crap pavements
Such a glad pooch-a
Beckons you
To scoop up his puppy poo
Then grins at you
Ten wet turds he will pour from his rear
But his eyes aren’t surprised at your fear
For an awkward wag craps where there’s no bin
It’s the walk of bag with shit in
Bad Cooper
Stupid boy
Beware of his tongue that licks
It licks at sick
Beware of his tongue that licks
It licks at sick
Ten wet turds he will pour from his rear
But his eyes aren’t surprised at your fear
For an awkward wag craps where there’s no bin
It’s the walk of bag with shit in
Bad Cooper
But his eyes aren’t surprised at your fear
For an awkward wag craps where there’s no bin
It’s the walk of bag with shit in
Bad Cooper
Stupid boy
Beware of his tongue that licks
It licks at sick
Beware of his tongue that licks
It licks at sick
He loves doing poo
Doing poo
He does poo
He loves your food too
Your food too
He loves poo!
I wish I was a dog…
For more artistic walk-ons by Cooper, please see
The Third Déjà vu (with apologies to William Butler Yeats)
The Third Déjà vu (with apologies to William Butler Yeats)
* * * * * *
I Love My Dog ~ Cat Stevens
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRWsh85P2T4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRWsh85P2T4
* * * * * *
Messy Dogs or Essex Girls…?
An ex-student recently reported witnessing a woman pissing in public against a plant pot. For Puellae Orientalium Saxonum, that’s almost middle class etiquette. There is a suspicious plethora of ‘dog turds’ on Sunday morning pavements...
* * * * * *
The Talking Dog…
A man walks into a pub and asks if anyone wants to buy his talking dog.
“Come off it!” says a punter, “dogs can’t talk!”
“Actually, that’s where you’re wrong” interrupts the dog. “I’m fluent in seven languages, including Mandarin. Not only that, I’m also a cordon bleu chef and an accomplished classical pianist...”
“That’s incredible!” says the punter. He turns to the owner. “What a gifted dog. Why on earth do you want to sell him?”
The owner shakes his head and sighs. “I can’t take the lies any more.”
A man walks into a pub and asks if anyone wants to buy his talking dog.
“Come off it!” says a punter, “dogs can’t talk!”
“Actually, that’s where you’re wrong” interrupts the dog. “I’m fluent in seven languages, including Mandarin. Not only that, I’m also a cordon bleu chef and an accomplished classical pianist...”
“That’s incredible!” says the punter. He turns to the owner. “What a gifted dog. Why on earth do you want to sell him?”
The owner shakes his head and sighs. “I can’t take the lies any more.”
* * * * * *
The Dambusters
The Politically Incorrect Adventures of a Dog Called Nigger…
(Warning - stiff upper lip canine tragedy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgePEO7GUtE&feature=related
(Warning - stiff upper lip canine tragedy)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgePEO7GUtE&feature=related
* * * * * *
The True Life Tragedy of Another Dog Called Nigger.
(Warning - sobering and without irony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpsLZFWmWEk&feature=related
(Warning - sobering and without irony)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpsLZFWmWEk&feature=related
“Now I don’t mean to try to sound… get some morals from this story… you know… but if there is a moral, maybe it’s… it’s not always the attacking dog. Maybe it’s the master of the dog… to be at fault… in this world. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just rambling…”
Shown together, these clips would form the stimulus for a fascinating lesson on media and morality. I’m against the censorship of the Dambusters “nigger” word. I think that this would just be stirring controversy where none exists. At most, it prompts a discussion about how attitudes have changed. The second clip deals painfully with the real racism. It obviously cut deep with this man.
* * * * * *
You, The Living
Taking the dog for a drag…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnyslj2gRfM&NR=1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnyslj2gRfM&NR=1
* * * * * *
The Ninth Configuration
(Fast forward to 5:00-8:34 for Hamlet and Insanity for Dogs)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS15hKv0UEA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vS15hKv0UEA
* * * * * *
Thinking ahead to the next musical (It’s a Dog’s Life) I’m thinking of asking Cooper’s mistress to put him on the stage with a piano, then hide behind a curtain. I think he could give this little star a run for their Winalot...
* * * * * *
Do cats secretly want to be dogs? This cat is caught out big time, then pathetically attempts to cover it up…
* * * * * *
See also: Treatment Outline for War Dogs of the Pacific
No comments:
Post a Comment