Monday, 20 June 2011

Chris Port Blog #281. With psychos like these, who needs shower curtains? (What else do you need to know about breasts?)

© Chris Port, June 2011

I’ve just accepted yet another offer of ephemeral friendship. Who from? Let’s say a ‘recognisable type’ of Facebook female. What type? Let’s say curvaceous, salacious, décolleté.

Unlike gauche amateurs, this type shares her photos with no-one. Profile pics consist entirely of modeled lingerie in headless shot. Breast size and body shape vary unusually for one individual. Friends and wall traffic are ‘limited’ in their interests. Actually, they’re just limited to pictures of breasts...

I started to do an audit trail of her friends. Most of them were cut from the same lack of cloth. Similar photography, similar boredom thresholds. Similar modes of expression too…

“I’m soooo bored, click the link to look at my profile” was a typical (and oft repeated) suggestion.

I declined, but not before becoming briefly intrigued by a Mr F. Mr F. had trod a similar trail before me. I started to track his comment spoor.

To begin with, Mr F. was a discerning connoisseur of the female form. I quickly grasped his bosom criteria. I judged his ratings to be consistent and exemplary. If Mr F. ever wants a summer job double-blind marking exam papers, I would have no hesitation in giving him a favourable reference. I admired his optimism and tenacity as he stalked his glandular prey (and I stalked him).

However, after a while, I noticed a certain fatigue creeping into Mr F’s observations - a kind of mammary ennui of the “same old, same old” variety. By the time he got to (and I shit you not) an utterly innuendo-free “Nice shower curtain”, the only thing I could think of was the shower scene in Psycho. Had Mr F. gone insane looking at headless breasts? Had I gone insane checking his marking?

The only jugs I want to see now are Toby jugs full of beer…

I dream of jugs...

With psychos like these, who needs shower curtains?

On the plus side though, while conducting a literature review for breast synonyms, I came across this excerpt from Sex in the Romance: A Review of Romantic Encounters of the Close Kind

  • Adjectives for descriptions of the breast or breasts
  • Things to Do to or With Breasts
  • Synonyms for other names for breasts
  • Things that Breasts Can Do

What else do you need to know about breasts?

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