© Chris Port, 2009
Grow your economy. Stability is the enemy of profit. Money needs to move in order for middle-men to take their cut. Boom or bust is largely irrelevant. So long as the smart money jumps country at the right time, there are huge profits to be made from other people’s losses. Short-termism is the key here. Never take a long-term view of anything except your own transferrable foreign currency reserves. When your economy collapses, you’ll have enough money to relocate to another one and do the same thing all over again. Sell out your country for money. Some intellectuals may mention the word ‘treason’ here. Ignore them. They’re just being naïve.
Fuel consumer demand in order to stimulate economic growth. Unfortunately, you will need to keep your labour costs down in order to maximise profit (see ‘outsourcing’) so you’ll need to stimulate credit-driven consumerism. Get some maths graduates to come up with some incomprehensible formulae to prove that, so long as the money keeps moving, it’s all a safe bet. (By the time people realize that the economy is built on credit and little else, you’ll be sipping cocktails on a tropical beach). Use the media to fuel the illusion that success is just an X-Factor away. Buy yourself some craven politicians to sell the idea of a property-owning democracy where everyone is middle-class. Remember, keep the money moving to take your cut. Full steam ahead, and stuff the doom-mongers and their icebergs. Movement also keeps other people’s eye on the football and off the water. Yes, money is like water. Sometimes it flows. Sometimes it slops. And sometimes, when your economy sets to sea with its bow doors open, it slops until it capsizes you. Keep your eyes on the horizon. When the trouble starts, just jump ship. It’s a bit like giving the rats the steering wheel of the Titanic, the keys to the safe, and first call on the lifeboats. Let the fools in the band play on. Wave smugly at them as your country goes down.
Outsource manufacturing and services. Home-grown labour is just too expensive as they have been sold a middle-class lifestyle. This will have to be funded through credit until the bubble bursts. Instead, outsource your business to sweatshop economies with surplus populations . They have cheap child labour in the Indo-Asian tiger economies and they’re far less fussy about human rights. Also, they’re allowed to assassinate trade unionists with bullets instead of making do with mudslinging and psychological bullying. Occasionally donate something to a charity to boost your altruistic credit rating at home. Import cheap foreign labour at home, then allow racism to bully it out when times get tough.
Seize control of the language, especially in education. Although you’re probably not an intellectual reader, you might want to nick some ideas from Orwell’s 1984. Control the language and you control people’s thoughts. Introduce the terminology of the marketplace: tick box mentality, job-fearful serfdom and fantasy-funded biznobabble. Monopolize the discourse and marginalize the intellectuals. Capitalism is now ‘realism’. Those who see the future are just doom-mongers. Nobody likes a Cassandra. Ask the Trojans.
Appoint golf-club cronies through a closed-shop union of secrecy. Accountability is for minions, not masons. Appoint ‘yes’ men you can safely blame for your own incompetence. Once the levers of power are seized by like-minded hardmen, you can bully out all opposing points of view. (The term ‘mind’ is used loosely here – ‘like-greeded’ would be more accurate, though less grammatical. See also ‘squeeze’).
Squeeze out all competitive points of view between Malthusian economics and Stalinist-Kafkaesque bureaucracy. Any intelligent, humane person with a glimmer of conscience (and a glimpse of the horrors to come) will probably kill themselves out of disgust and despair. They may cling on for a while to a driftwood faith in human nature. But every good wannabee knows that those we hug and kiss are all on the Raft of the Medusa. You can always rely on more ruthless human flotsam to stab faith in the back. That should kill that delusion off. Conscience is clearly no longer a survival trait in the neo-Darwinian New World Order.
Spend your money on an exemplary lifestyle to keep the X-Factor generation drooling. But also spend more and more time out of the country you have helped to destroy, tutting over cocktails at the fecklessness of the benefits class you helped to create in the first place by outsourcing manufacturing and services. That way, you won’t have to step over starving child prostitutes in the rubbish-strewn streets (unless that’s your thing, in which case just take advantage of the cheap human life in the exotic sweatshop economy of your choice). Spend, spend, spend like there’s no tomorrow. Because there isn’t now. You saw to that. So enjoy it while you can. And screw the rest of the human race. Of course, your paper money may become as worthless as a Weimar wheelbarrow when the forces you helped unleash become unpredictable and uncontrollable. And the starving masses may start to move in your direction when the money stops and the resources run out. But console yourself with this thought: we’re just Darwinian animals who needed a cull. Survival is all about short-term advantage, not long-term wisdom. Remember that - as you sell your childrens’ future for a pot at the end of the rainbow.
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