© Chris Port, 2004
SCENE: 1
CHARACTERS: DEMON, IMP
ACTION: THE MIRROR BROKEN.
ENTER THE DEMON OF DESPAIR.
DEMON
Greetings, mortals, it is I
The Demon of the bloodshot eye
Look out the mirror you look in
And see your face ugly as sin
Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m the demon of despair
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many an adult’s teeth and hair…
ENTER THE IMP OF IMPERTINENCE, CRYING.
DEMON
What’s this? An imp? Crying?
SOLICITS “AH’s” OF SYMPATHY FROM AUDIENCE.
There, there my little imp of impertinence. What ails thee?
IMP
There’s too much good in the world today
How’s an imp to make a dishonest quid?
See this wholesome lad and this girl so pretty?
Perhaps if I eat…? Hmm! A nice fresh kid…!
HE GOES TO EAT ONE OF THE CHILDREN. THE DEMON SLAPS HIM AROUND THE HEAD.
IMP
Ow! What did you do that for?
DEMON
You can’t eat the audience. The social workers complain. Interfering do-gooders! Besides which, I’m a demon. It’s in my nature to hurt people.
IMP
But I’m not a person.
THE DEMON SLAPS HIM AGAIN.
DEMON
Don’t be impertinent!
IMP
But I’m the imp of impertinence! It’s in my nature to be impertinent!
DEMON
Enough of this babbling banter. I have something to put a smile back on those quivering, lily-livered lips.
IMP
You mean I can eat some children?
DEMON
Better than that!
IMP
I can eat some teachers?
DEMON
Better than that!
IMP
The head teacher?
THE DEMON SLAPS HIM AROUND THE HEAD AGAIN.
DEMON
Pull yourself together you crapulent cannibal! Our mistress, the Snow Queen, bids us do evil. So, listen closely.
IMP LEANS IN, CONSPIRATORIALLY. DEMON ANNOUNCES GRANDIOSELY.
I have… a plan! An evil plan!
IMP
LEANS OUT, DISAPPOINTEDLY.
Oh.
DEMON
MENACINGLY.
‘Oh’? ‘OH’?! I announce to these disgustingly good people that I have a plan… an evil plan… and you say… ‘OH’?!
IMP
I’ve seen your evil plans before. They’re rubbish.
DEMON
Don’t be impertinent!
THE IMP OPENS HIS MOUTH TO REMIND THE DEMON BUT IS SILENCED BY A RAISED HAND. THE DEMON THEN ‘MAGIC’s’ THE MIRROR OF DESPAIR OUT OF THIN AIR.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Take the good and make it small
Then when life’s not worth a fig
Take the bad and make it big
Behold!
IMP
SULKILY.
Behold what?
DEMON
The Mirror… of Despair!
IMP
But there’s nothing there.
DEMON
It’s called mime, you impious ignoramus! You have to use your imagination.
IMP
I haven’t got one. Best not to, in Hell. Anyway. What does it do, this ‘Mirror of Despair’?
DEMON
What’s the first thing you do in the morning?
IMP
Wipe the dribble off my pillow.
DEMON
After that.
IMP
Pick the bogies off my bedspread.
DEMON
After that.
IMP
Pull blue fluff out of my belly button.
DEMON
Alright! Enough of your hellish hygiene habits! After you’ve wiped and picked and pulled every repulsive extrusion from your body, where do you go!
IMP
I go to the bathroom to…
DEMON
INTERRUPTING.
Believe me, we don’t need to know! But, at some point, you look into…
IMP
WITH SUDDEN UNDERSTANDING.
The mirror!
DEMON
By Jordan, he’s got it!
TO TEACHER.
Are your pupils this dim-witted?
IMP
Alright.
THE DEMON HOLDS UP THE MIRROR OF DESPAIR FOR HIM TO LOOK INTO.
So, I’m looking into this mirror…
DEMON
… This magic mirror…
IMP
… This magic mirror…
DEMON
… This evil magic mirror…
IMP
… This evil magic mirror, and…
HE LOOKS MORE CLOSELY, THEN GRINS.
Oh! I say!
DEMON
What? What do you say?
IMP
I look rather…
ADMIRING HIS PROFILE
… hideous.
DEMON
What do you see?
IMP
Well, the nose. The nose is certainly big and crooked. And hairy, just like a dad’s. And the shape of the mouth… It’s just wrong. A princess’s nightmare, like a wide-mouthed frog. And… what’s this…?
DEMON
What?
IMP
A spot! Wait… several spots! They never seemed to matter before. But now… Why, they disfigure my entire face! I can’t take my eyes off them!
DEMON
Precisely. This evil magic mirror magnifies all the ugliness in the world. Now, you’re a demon, so these things please you. But…
TAKING MIRROR FROM HIM AND HOLDING IT UP TO A (REASONABLY GOOD LOOKING) MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE
DEMON
… how do you think a human being is going to feel?
IMP
Why, they’ll be horrified!
DEMON
Mortified!
IMP
Depressed!
DEMON
They won’t want to go out!
IMP
They’ll think nobody loves them!
DEMON
They’ll think nobody could ever love them. And so, with millions of these evil, magic mirrors…
IMP
… You’ll turn the whole world into miserable, vain, insecure bigheads!
DEMON
Like a Big Brother household.
IMP
Or a typical teenager. Master, let me fly up to Heaven with this mirror and show it to the angels. There’s one particular do-gooder up there who’s been getting right up my hairy nose.
DEMON
Excellent evil idea! Here!
HE GOES TO HAND THE MIRROR TO THE IMP. THERE IS SOME CONFUSING ‘TO YOU/TO ME’ BUSINESS, ENDING WITH THE MIRROR BEING DROPPED.
DEMON
To you.
IMP
To me.
DEMON
To me.
IMP
To you.
DEMON
Got it?
IMP
Yes. No.
HE FUMBLES AND DROPS IT. THEY BOTH STARE AT THE SMASHED PIECES.
IMP
Ah.
BENDS TO OFFER HEAD.
I expect you’ll be wanting to whack me one.
DEMON
Not in the least, my cack-handed catalyst. A broken mirror is seven years bad luck.
IMP
For me?
DEMON
For you, for me, for them, for the world! Now, by creating a powerful wind I can scatter these broken pieces across the entire earth. When one microscopic fragment enters a human eye, that person will see only the bad things in life. And, when one enters a human heart… Why, they will become as cold-hearted and cruel as an OFSTED inspector at a kindergarten.
(ALTERNATIVE: … a parent who says ‘no’ to a party).
IMP
And how will you create such a powerful wind?
DEMON
Please! I am a demon. Besides which, last night I had nine pints of guinness and a child vindaloo. Stand back!
THE DEMON BREWS A SULPHUROUS FART.
DEMON
By the sin of smell! By the power of fart!
By the wind of Hell! Scour to every part!
THE DEMON LETS RIP A HOWLING HURRICANE. THE IMP COWERS UNDER THE FORCE.
DEMON
By the Houses of Parliament, that should do it!
HE SIGHS IN SATISFACTION, SMILES AT THE IMP, THEN SUDDENLY WHACKS HIM AROUND THE HEAD.
IMP
Ow! What was that for? I thought you were pleased!
DEMON
I am. I’m a demon. It’s just in my nature.
See how the flatulent fragments fly
By wind and sea to this little boy’s eye
And burn by the vile and foul of magic
As sand turns smile into scowl and tragic
IMP
POINTING.
Look! There goes a speck!
FOLLOWING IT WITH HIS FINGER.
There! There!
HE POKES THE DEMON IN THE EYE.
There.
THE DEMON CLUTCHES AT HIS EYE -
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