© Chris Port, 1994. All rights reserved.
Scene 1.
Narrator, Monica, Louise.
Ghosts. Introductions. Louise arranges a party. Arguments and blackmail.(Darkness. Then a wintry blue moonlight. The Narrator enters. He looks around then talks to the audience).
NARRATOR
Ghosts. Some people say that houses have memories. That if walls can’t speak, they might sometimes whisper. Listen. Have you ever woken in the night and stood, unreal, at the top of the stairs? Thought you heard voices underneath the silence? Padded downstairs, like a burglar in your own home, and found only the furniture? You may think it’s your idle nerve-endings poltergeisting around, but a house remembers. Something always rubs off on a house, like the thumbprint on the light-switch as the last person leaves. And some nights, on the graveyard watch, when the hull of the roof creaks against the pack-ice dark, a house likes to remember.
(Sounds of evening birdsong. A warm summer twilight. Enter Monica and Louise. Monica is dressed scruffily. She lounges on the sofa or on the floor, flicking through a magazine. Louise, dressed more to impress, makes a surreptitious phone call).
This (gestures around) is going to be a party. Now we’ve all been to a few parties in our time, even those of you who can count your friends on one finger, and still be exaggerating, have still left your sad anoraks on a few beds. But you never get to see the whole party. So, I am going to show you how the whole thing works.
(Walks around and examines his surroundings). This is the home of Richard and Jennifer Selby. They’re not here at the moment. As the plane flies they’re, oh about three thousand miles that way (points offstage) visiting Uncle John in the States. This is convenient for us as it removes that first and usually insurmountable obstacle to most parties, the parents.
These (indicating Monica and Louise) are the Selby’s trustworthy daughters. Monica, the eldest, a bit grim and responsible. And Louise, the younger sister from hell. Sisters. They must love each other really. Yes, well, let’s see how it all starts. (Clicks fingers).
LOUISE
(Secretively on telephone). Are you coming with Steve? Good. What time? Yes. Yes, about nine o’clock. What about Eleanor? Yes. Yes she can come. I don’t know. About twenty... (She looks over her shoulder at Monica who feigns oblivion). Yes. Yes, she’s here. I know. Oh don’t worry about that. No, it’ll be alright. Yes. Okay. I’ll speak to you. I know. I’m really pleased for you. Okay. ‘Bye. (She rings off and puts the phone down).
MONICA
Who was that?
LOUISE
Joanna.
MONICA
Is she coming over tonight?
LOUISE
Yes. What time are you going out?
MONICA
I’m not.
LOUISE
Monny! You said you were going out with Dan tonight!
MONICA
Well I’m not now, okay?
LOUISE
Why not?
MONICA
It’s none of your business.
LOUISE
Oh you haven’t had another row, have you?
MONICA
Mind your own business.
LOUISE
What is it this time?
MONICA
It’s nothing to do with you. Now, how many people are coming over?
LOUISE
Oh just Joanna and a few others.
MONICA
What, like twenty others?
LOUISE
You were listening! You nosy cow!
MONICA
I don’t need to listen. You’ve made enough sausage rolls out there to feed Judy Finnigan for a fortnight. And don’t think that I’m going to clean up that mess. You made it. You clean it up.
LOUISE
I’ll do it in a minute. Monny, you’re not staying in tonight, are you?
MONICA
Yes I am. So don’t think you’re going to have a party.
LOUISE
Monny!
MONICA
I’m serious. Mum and Dad said we could have a few friends over but no parties. Now, how many people have you invited?
LOUISE
You’re such a cow!
MONICA
You’re not going to have a party!
LOUISE
I live here just as much as you do!
MONICA
That’s not the point. Mum and Dad left me in charge and I’m not going to let you drop me in it again! So you can just get back on that phone and tell people that it’s off.
LOUISE
It’s too late. Tina’s told everyone down at the club and I don’t know half their phone numbers. It’s not really a party anyway. We’re just going to watch some videos and... oh don’t be such a cow! I don’t say anything when you let Dan stay over.
MONICA
That’s different.
LOUISE
(Manipulatively). Mum and Dad wouldn’t think so.
MONICA
You little bitch. If you say anything...
LOUISE
I won’t. Well, I won’t if you won’t. Look. Just don’t embarrass me, Monny. Do you want me to call Dan and ask him over?
MONICA
No. Its nothing to do with you. (Giving in). Anyway, who’s coming?
LOUISE
Well, Tracy Johnson’s having a party tonight but Marie Horner said she’d come...
MONICA
Slut.
LOUISE
... so we should get most of the fit blokes. Joanna’s coming with Steve Marshall...
MONICA
Prat.
LOUISE
... Eleanor and Tina said they’d definitely come. Carl Brewerton...
MONICA
Geek.
LOUISE
... Brenda. Oh, and Mark Fowler.
MONICA
Mark Fowler?
LOUISE
Yes, I know.
MONICA
He’s always sick at parties.
LOUISE
I’ve told Brenda to look after him.
MONICA
I’m not clearing up any sick. It always makes me want to puke.
LOUISE
I’ll clean up.
MONICA
You always say that and you never do.
LOUISE
Well I will tonight. So long as you don’t spoil things. Now go and get ready. I’ve told people to get here for nine.
MONICA
What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?
LOUISE
(Picking up a pair of fluffy slippers in disgust). Monny!
MONICA
You said we were just going to watch some videos. What kind of videos?
LOUISE
Don’t be so gross. Nothing like that. Carl Brewerton’s dad gets the latest stuff on pirate and Carl said he could sneak some out for tonight. Oh Monny, get changed. You never know who might come.
MONICA
I don’t care.
LOUISE
Well I do. Please.
MONICA
Alright. I’m going to have a bath. (Exits).
(Louise waits until Monica is safely out of earshot. She picks up the phone again and punches in a number).
LOUISE
Hello? (Speaking very simply, as if to the hard of understanding). Mrs Rowbotham? Can I speak to Brenda please? Brenda. Your daughter. No, not your son. Your son is... err... Brenda, your daughter? That’s right. Can I speak to her? No. On the telephone. Can I speak to her on the telephone? It’s Louise. Louise Selby. Selby. S-E-L-B-Y. Yes, she knows who I am. Yes she will speak to me. If you could just... okay. Thank you. (Pause). Hello Brenda. That’s alright. Why does she answer the phone? Oh. I’m sorry. Will she be okay tonight? You can still come? Good. Listen. The reason I’m calling... Yes. It’s Monny and Dan. Oh they’ve had another row. She won’t say. No, I don’t want to phone him. Monny’d go spare if she found out. I was thinking... maybe you could stop in and see him on your way over? Yes. Try and get him to come. No. She’ll sulk all night if they don’t. I know. I bet its something really stupid. Mark? Oh he’ll be alright. Okay. Yes. I’ll speak to you later. Thanks Brenda. Thanks. ‘Bye.
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