© Chris Port, 2010
In our celebriphiliac society of X-Factor perverts, the police are now being trained on how to identify and deal with four basic ‘social types’ linked to TV ‘personalities’. Which are you?
The ‘celebrity-profiling’ approach was (unsurprisingly) developed by sales consultants in America. The current profiles being used by the police are - how shall I put it - a tad middle-class and middle-aged.
Perhaps you celebriphiles could call out some more trendy examples as we’re all herded to take a fun shower in the Zyklon-Factor. It won’t make any difference. But at least you’ll feel more in control, and it will stop the children from realizing what’s happening to them.
Examples leaked from police training documents:
1) ‘Amiable’ type.
TV Personality: Lorraine Kelly
Super-objective: Wants security.
Characteristics: Has a ‘stabilizing effect on others’ but ‘can be seen as indecisive and unwilling to take risks’. The mimsy mumsy cardigan of assassins, killing with a sugary cup of tea and a sweetly poisonous tongue.
Characteristic phrase: “I hope I’m not going to get anyone into trouble, but...”
Example: “I hope I’m not going to get anyone into trouble, but... I think that Film Studies teacher who showed M to his sixth formers is a paedophile… or a communist… or a nazi. I’m not really sure. I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I just don’t like that kind of thing. Silly me. I hope I haven’t caused any trouble. Excuse me. Loose Women is on...”
Giveaway paraphernalia: Likely to have a Winnie the Pooh pencil case on their desk.
2) ‘Analytical’ type.
TV Personality: Jeremy Paxman.
Super-objective: Wants respect.
Characteristics: Take a blizzard of remarks about the weather, such as “It’s snowing”. Nothing is meant by this. It’s just rhetoric, a reflex action, like scratching your nose. It serves no purpose (except possibly for blind people, or people who grin too much, dribble, and aren’t allowed sharp things, like forks or wit). The analytical type is likely to turn “It’s snowing” into a metaphor for the state of the nation, or a debate about climate change.
Characteristic phrase: “Could you clarify the situation for me?”
Giveaway paraphernalia: Likely to have technical manuals on their desk.
3) ‘Expressive’ type.
TV Personality: Lenny Henry.
Super-objective: Wants recognition.
Characteristics: Tediously insecure. The sort of loud person with mates you hear on the last train home and want to kill (or at least smash their teeth in) with a fire extinguisher. Ironically enough, they just want to be loved. Can seem mischievous or annoying.
Characteristic phrases: “This is an absolute nightmare for me” or “Let’s get the party started”.
Giveaway paraphernalia: Likely to have pictures of themselves on their desk.
4) ‘Driven’ type.
TV Personality: Madonna.
Super-objective: Wants control.
Characteristics: The ends justify the means. In other words, a soulless bitch or bastard who would tickle and cut a puppy’s trusting throat for a chance to backstab their way up the food chain. It is a mystery why people find these sharks fascinating for any reason other than functionality. Like that line from Jaws: "All it does is swim and eat and make little baby sharks".
Characteristic phrases: “What details do you need and when?” or “What time frame do we have on this?”
Giveaway paraphernalia: Likely to have nothing of sentimental value on their desk.
1) I'm afraid I can't do amiable. For me, it feels like being cowardly, deceitful and... well, being a girl really.
2) Obviously I am an analytical genius, trying to work out why shit floats and cement boots sink. My words wave sunlit goodbyes to me from above.
3) I have been expressive. But one day, I actually listened to myself. I wanted to smash my own teeth in with a fire extinguisher, so I stopped it at once.
4) I have never, ever been driven. Except when it comes to writing. When I am writing, the following things distract me:
a) Other people moving
b) Other people breathing
c) Other people existing
Puppies and kittens, dogs and cats, can do what they like. They are a joy, an inspiration, and they don't talk shit all the time.
Apart from that, I’m quite approachable.