© Chris Port, 2010
Hopes and aims? Or success and failure? Realistic? Fiddling? What looks good? Image manipulation and spin? Cynicism? Are exams worth the paper they’re printed on? Work harder! Improve! Do better! It’s a jungle out there! Survival of the fittest!
A Headmaster’s office. MR BROWN. Powerful. A clock ticking. Outside, sounds of machine-gun fire. Gangs of pupils fighting another turf-war. Screams. Shouts. Teachers. “Monk! Put down that Uzi at once!”. A burst of automatic weapons fire. “Monk! Clean up that mess!” Sound of pupil whining. “Don’t tell me it wasn’t you! I saw you! One hundred lines - I will not fight turf wars at school” More machine gun fire. Screams. Shouts. A pounding at the door. “Let me in! For pity’s sake, let me in!”. The Headmaster looks up, frowns irritably, nods at his secretary. She rises, cool, efficient, icy, opens the door. A teacher falls in, MR GLASSCOCK, wide-eyed, panting, slams the door shut behind him and presses his weight against it.
MR GLASSCOCK: They’re animals out there!
MR BROWN: Ah, Mr Glasscock. Thank you for coming to see me. We try not to use the word animals here anymore. I believe the current term is "challenging".
MR GLASSCOCK: They challenged me to a knife fight!
MR BROWN: Calm down, man. I trust you’ve completed an incident report?
MR GLASSCOCK: But I’m reporting the incident to you now!
MR BROWN: Sir…
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir. I’m reporting the incident to you now, sir.
MR BROWN: Well, in future, I’d prefer it if you didn’t. I don’t want to be troubled by your failings in classroom management. Unless its pay review time, of course… Got to have something to get you on. Fill in an incident report.
MR GLASSCOCK: But why can’t I just tell you?
MR BROWN: Evidence, man! I need evidence!
MR GLASSCOCK: But isn’t my word evidence?
MR BROWN: Don’t be stupid. You’re a teacher. Your opinions are worthless. Only paperwork and statistics can show the truth!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
MR BROWN: (Ranting.) Paperwork! That’s the key! More rules! More regulations! More targets! More tests! More pressure! More stress! You’re all failing! You must all work harder! Do better! Work harder! Improve! Improve! Improve!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir.
MR BROWN: Now then, Mr Glasscock. I want to talk to you about your exam results…
MR GLASSCOCK: My exam results…?
MR BROWN: Yes… what do you have to say for yourself?
MR GLASSCOCK: … Sir?
MR BROWN: Your exam results, man! What do you have to say for yourself?
MR GLASSCOCK: Sir, I haven’t sat any exams since I left university…
MR BROWN: Not you, you fool! Your students! Their exam results…
MR GLASSCOCK: Oh, I’m sorry sir. Their exam results. Not mine. I got confused…
MR BROWN: No, you got it right the first time. Their results are your results. For it is by their success or failure that you are judged.
MR GLASSCOCK: Is that quite … fair, sir?
MR BROWN: Fair? Of course its fair! We measure them in tests. We make predictions. We round those predictions up. We ignore individual circumstances. Scientifically, you’re responsible.
MR GLASSCOCK: I see… Or rather, I don’t…. Scientific you say? So these tests measure everything that has an effect on their learning? All the variables, so to speak…?
MR BROWN: Variables?
MR GLASSCOCK: You know, little things… Like personality, mood, hormones, falling in love, laziness, depression, arguments at home, holidays in term-time, part-time jobs, no jobs, the betrayal of all their dreams … everything that makes us a human being …
MR BROWN: Such variables cannot be measured.
MR GLASSCOCK: So you discount them?
MR BROWN: Obviously. We can’t have our statistics messed up by human beings.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
MR BROWN: And anyway, scientifically, exam results should be rising every year.
MR GLASSCOCK: Sorry, sir. I didn’t realise that the average level of intelligence rises inexorably year on year.
MR BROWN: Well it does! We’ve measured it! Scientifically!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Leaving out the variables, of course…
MR BROWN: Of course! We’re not stupid! Otherwise we’d have to change the way we think about things. And how’s that going to help us?
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir.
MR BROWN: One more big push! One hundred percent A stars! That’s your target!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir... And then what?
MR GLASSCOCK: I see… Or rather, I don’t…. Scientific you say? So these tests measure everything that has an effect on their learning? All the variables, so to speak…?
MR BROWN: Variables?
MR GLASSCOCK: You know, little things… Like personality, mood, hormones, falling in love, laziness, depression, arguments at home, holidays in term-time, part-time jobs, no jobs, the betrayal of all their dreams … everything that makes us a human being …
MR BROWN: Such variables cannot be measured.
MR GLASSCOCK: So you discount them?
MR BROWN: Obviously. We can’t have our statistics messed up by human beings.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
MR BROWN: And anyway, scientifically, exam results should be rising every year.
MR GLASSCOCK: Sorry, sir. I didn’t realise that the average level of intelligence rises inexorably year on year.
MR BROWN: Well it does! We’ve measured it! Scientifically!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Leaving out the variables, of course…
MR BROWN: Of course! We’re not stupid! Otherwise we’d have to change the way we think about things. And how’s that going to help us?
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir.
MR BROWN: One more big push! One hundred percent A stars! That’s your target!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir... And then what?
MR BROWN: More targets! Higher grades. A double stars! Treble stars! Nothing is too good for our pupils!
MR GLASSCOCK: Don’t you mean our position in the league tables, sir?
MR BROWN: It amounts to the same thing. What’s good for the school is good for our pupils, our business, and our country.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir. In all my world-weary disillusionment and cynicism, I thought it might just be about fiddling the figures.
MR BROWN: Fiddling the figures?
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. You know, like the police. Serious crime is difficult and messy to clean up. Like human beings. In an unfair world. Much easier to go after traffic offences and get a high clear-up rate. Then the figures show that everyone is doing a good job. And the evidence of your own experiences is just hearsay. Brilliant sir! Goebbels himself would be proud.
MR BROWN: You’re too kind. Now, about this latest government initiative…
MR GLASSCOCK: Which one sir?
MR BROWN: I don’t know! The latest one! What’s it called Miss Jones?
MISS JONES: Every Child Matters, Headmaster.
MR BROWN: There you go. Every Child Matters. See! We’re not just brutal technocrats. We have a heart. Every Child Matters.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir… Sir…?
MR BROWN: (Tetchy.) Yes?
MR GLASSCOCK: What exactly does that mean, sir?
MR BROWN: What it says! Every. Child. Matters.
MR GLASSCOCK: But what does that mean sir? I mean, does it mean that everyone else doesn’t matter?
MR BROWN: What?
MR GLASSCOCK: Well, it doesn’t say Every Teacher Matters, does it sir?
MR BROWN: Quite right. You don’t matter.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
MR BROWN: I mean, there’s a limit to how much we can pressure the kids. Don’t want them killing themselves out of stress, do we?
MR GLASSCOCK: No sir.
MR BROWN: It’d look bad in the papers.
MR GLASSCOCK: What about the teachers though, sir? Won’t it look bad if they’re all keeling over from heart attacks?
MR BROWN: Not at all. Every teacher should feel utterly replaceable. The days of respecting wisdom are over. Knowledge is just a commodity, something to be bought and sold, like people. The more we bully and undermine teachers as professionals with a scared trust, like doctors, the more we can bully them into submission and turn education into a heartless factory. Economies of scale, Mr Glasscock. Money. That’s what it’s all about. Education must be run by accountants, not teachers!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir.
MR BROWN: Well, thank you for this most informative chat. My door is always open.
MR GLASSCOCK: Actually, it’s always closed, sir.
MR BROWN: My records say otherwise. Thank you, once again.
MR GLASSCOCK: No. Thank you sir. (To MISS JONES). Cover me. (Takes a deep breath, then runs outside. Sounds of machine gun fire).
MR GLASSCOCK: Don’t you mean our position in the league tables, sir?
MR BROWN: It amounts to the same thing. What’s good for the school is good for our pupils, our business, and our country.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir. In all my world-weary disillusionment and cynicism, I thought it might just be about fiddling the figures.
MR BROWN: Fiddling the figures?
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. You know, like the police. Serious crime is difficult and messy to clean up. Like human beings. In an unfair world. Much easier to go after traffic offences and get a high clear-up rate. Then the figures show that everyone is doing a good job. And the evidence of your own experiences is just hearsay. Brilliant sir! Goebbels himself would be proud.
MR BROWN: You’re too kind. Now, about this latest government initiative…
MR GLASSCOCK: Which one sir?
MR BROWN: I don’t know! The latest one! What’s it called Miss Jones?
MISS JONES: Every Child Matters, Headmaster.
MR BROWN: There you go. Every Child Matters. See! We’re not just brutal technocrats. We have a heart. Every Child Matters.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir… Sir…?
MR BROWN: (Tetchy.) Yes?
MR GLASSCOCK: What exactly does that mean, sir?
MR BROWN: What it says! Every. Child. Matters.
MR GLASSCOCK: But what does that mean sir? I mean, does it mean that everyone else doesn’t matter?
MR BROWN: What?
MR GLASSCOCK: Well, it doesn’t say Every Teacher Matters, does it sir?
MR BROWN: Quite right. You don’t matter.
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir. Sorry sir.
MR BROWN: I mean, there’s a limit to how much we can pressure the kids. Don’t want them killing themselves out of stress, do we?
MR GLASSCOCK: No sir.
MR BROWN: It’d look bad in the papers.
MR GLASSCOCK: What about the teachers though, sir? Won’t it look bad if they’re all keeling over from heart attacks?
MR BROWN: Not at all. Every teacher should feel utterly replaceable. The days of respecting wisdom are over. Knowledge is just a commodity, something to be bought and sold, like people. The more we bully and undermine teachers as professionals with a scared trust, like doctors, the more we can bully them into submission and turn education into a heartless factory. Economies of scale, Mr Glasscock. Money. That’s what it’s all about. Education must be run by accountants, not teachers!
MR GLASSCOCK: Yes sir.
MR BROWN: Well, thank you for this most informative chat. My door is always open.
MR GLASSCOCK: Actually, it’s always closed, sir.
MR BROWN: My records say otherwise. Thank you, once again.
MR GLASSCOCK: No. Thank you sir. (To MISS JONES). Cover me. (Takes a deep breath, then runs outside. Sounds of machine gun fire).
The Headmaster flicks on an intercom and bends toward the microphone.
MR BROWN: Kill him.
MISS JONES: (Looking out of the window). Consider it done, Headmaster.
Maybe I wrote this one in my sleep...
ReplyDeleteMonkey Dust - Government School Targets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLvDKI1T14Q&feature=related
No, you wrote this being fully, well, wide...awake! I did a first reading ("rehearsal" reading aloud ...it is changing my pulse while I am speaking ..the "characters"...Of course, doing it on my own, I had to find a quick way into intonations and stresses to get three persons come "alive") Actually, sleeping has so many "variables"...but, it does not matter whether you were in whatever "state of mind" ----I am impressed! And wonder how you intend to go on with this and/ or "deal" with it... say, have it performed... ????? Marie still pondering, I don`t ponder on just all and everything coming my way! It is v. interesting , no, wrong word, it is...once having captured attention (Good work you did, got mine immediately... ) it holds it, performed as I just imagine... well, could be of a quality that arouses fascination...physical sensations that stay with me , so others too Antonin might have wanted to get it performed
ReplyDeleteThank you Margrit. Glad you like it :)
ReplyDelete